Comparisons

I need tips on how to stop comparing myself to others. This relates to needing approval from people. I need to be better than every one else so I can get approval from everyone else. It is quite tiring. I recently received my grade back from a paper I finished. I got an A on it. But I dont feel like I got enough praise. I cant stop thinking about how my comments on my paper were not the same as other peoples. Am I less than? Do I not deserve to be in graduate school? Why am I not handling things properly? Do I talk too much? Its just all so overwhelming. I just need people to tell me I am okay and that is the issue. Am I okay even when people dont tell me? Am I loved when people dont tell me? Liked? Dress well? Eat proper? Walk okay? I know why I do it. I want to stop. I really desire a more peaceful state about who I am and my self worth.

Recovery

I find myself going on recovery blogs. Especially at night. Because I just want relief you know? Relief from many things. And I find myself looking at these blogs and judging myself and other people on what I dont have and what they dont have and what we are all supposed to have and it is difficult. So, recovery, to me, is more than just not participating in the destructive behavior but it is about the lack of obsession and the present of peace. I want it. I dont know if it will ever be mine.

Yadda Yah

I have been pmsing all week. Which is why I have been all sappy and sad and angry and just ridiculous. I just need to get over my bullcrap.

So, I am doing my work today. I want to complain about being at the library, but seriously. It is 550 on a late November afternoon, what else what I be doing? Yes, I could be with my best friend John or in my bed catching up on Dexter and cleaning my house, but whatever. In May, I will have a Master's degree and that is a lot to say from someone who people thought wouldnt graduate from high school. I never got those people...

Bad Week.

I feel like its me and my cats against the world right now. Which is sad and slightly pathetic.

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Concentration at Bay

I am unable to concentrate today. I just feel so on edge and at the same time, tired. I have way too much responsibility in my life. I take graduate classes full time, teach an undergrad class within working 20 hours for the office, and do 17 hours of field internship. It is just too much sometimes. I am running out of steam. And this is the last big push. I have 3 papers due. The hardest one is due in one week. One whole week. I haven't really started on it and what am I doing now? I am blogging about how I cant work instead of working. Ouch. It happens.

Priveleged Food Blogs/Rant

I go to food blogs because I try to find some example of normalcy a far as what people are eating. I want to know what healthy eating people are eating. But I have seriously come to the conclusion that not only are most of the food blogs that show what individuals eat all day are privileged (meaning, they have the funds to pay for the most expensive ass food and contraptions that make the food) but they also eat some nasty ass shit. Yes. I will abbreviate it as NAS. I dont want a hummus and grilled vegetable sandwich. What the fuck is that? Who can afford that? I can't. They can. So I have to stop comparing what I am able to eat to what these food(ie) blogs are displaying.

I am looking for a blog that displays what people are eating, the recipe and an opinion of taste on REGULAR food. I am not saying that the food I am seeing is not normal or not right or whatever. I also do not judge these people. Eat what you like. But look, I don't eat sourdough bread and I dont want your fucking Brie! What are MY favorite foods? Well, I am glad you asked.

Oatmeal
Pizza
Thin cheeseburgers/Patty Melts
Broccoli
Green Beans
Peanut Butter
Ice Cream
Potatoes
Goat Cheese (which is as foodie as I get)

And some more. I mean, why do I have to eat Cod with Black Barley, Cauliflower Puree and Mushrooms in a Pinot Reduction...I dont fucking want it. I dont. And I am going to stop trying to act like I do. That is the first step in my recovery. I admit that I am not a foodie. I do not like weird foods. And it is okay.

Poetry

Hey Brown Girl

Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Please save yourself
in something not edible
Something not bought
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Please love yourself
Like you are your first love
Like you are your last
Looking not at all the ill, the hateful
Who have participated in the big sad brown eyes
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Look at yourself like your own pearls
Like your own cherished belongings
Love yourself
Like yourself
Largely
As big as your heart
As big as your soul
As big as your personality
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Protect your heart
Water it
Show it sunshine
Nurture it
Don't impede on its growth

-FeministaBroad

Scaling Back on Shopping

I am trying my hardest not to shop. It is very difficult. Lord knows I get a good portion of my self-confidence from how fabulous I look. But that has to change. If you are having issues with shopping, here are some tips from The Great American Apparel Diet.

-Shop slower- before you take the plunge to buy that dress that looks oh-so fabulous on you, take a second in the mirror and ask, “Do I really need this? Where can I wear this to?”

-If your closet is reverting back to its overflowing chaos, you might not be in love with all the purchases you’ve made. Make the distinction if it is love you feel with that piece of clothing in the dressing room or fleeting emotions of lust.

-If said item could be a love potential, leave it and walk away. Get a change of scenery, take a breather from the fluorescent lights in the stores. If you are still thinking about it an hour later, it will be worth the trip back to the store to buy it.

-Know your shopping needs -take inventory of your closet often. Know what it seriously getting worn through and if you can salvage it or if it is indeed time to go out and buy a replacement.

-Take your time picking out your outfit for the day, even if you need to do it the night before. Appreciate how great that blazer hugs those fabulous curves or how the color of your top brings out your eyes. What you’ve got in your closet is probably all the right stuff.

-Limit your shopping intake to once a month. No more needless meandering around the mall and classifying it as “exercise”. Now we are shopping with a purpose in mind.

-If it feels like it could be one of those high-threat-of-unnecessary-spending-days, leave the credit card at home. Pay for things in cash- it’s easier to monitor your spending through the day on only things you really need.

-If you slip to a crazy extent and splurge on the jeans, coat, cashmere sweaters and jacket you just “had to have” that one day (knowing full well you didn’t need it), it’s okay. Just hop back on that horse. If you feel the need, you can even do a mini one month diet to get back on track.

-Be wary of “Sale” signs/stickers/tickets/events/tags/coupons. Even with a great bargain attached to it, is it as fabulous as you are and does it do your wardrobe justice? Remember, 30% off should never be a product’s best feature.

-Quality over quantity! We want clothes that will last for years to come. Things that are too trendy or poorly made are not on our “need” list.

-After you wash your clothes, hang them up to dry, it will make them last longer. If you take care of your clothes, they will take care of you.

-Look for other ways of spending your hard earned free time. Spending time with friends or family, volunteering or taking a class to learn a new trade can be much more rewarding and fulfilling than shopping.

Mental Health

Some time back I was reading a book titled, "Unholy Ghost." I may have mentioned it on this blog before. It is about writer's experience with depression. I remember reading a short story about this woman who has experienced depression her entire life. She was talking about how depression robbed you of who you would have been had you not been depressed. It transforms you. I think this is true. It sounds hopeless and sad but there is a lot to say about personality and mental illness. Mental illness (and trauma I might add) changes the way you function, how you react to things. I think that you can consider mental illness as a trauma itself. Mental illness is something no one asks for. It changes the course of your life.

How? Well, when an individual is depressed, their brain is more likely to have negative thought responses. This is one of the reasons why cognitive behavioral therapy annoys me. Yes, we can change a lot by how we think but if what we initially think is greatly affected by the neurotransmitters in our brain, then clearly it is more complicated than thought/behavior reaction explanations. It may be able to be molded in a certain way but I do not believe it can possibly be stopped.

Those reactions in your brain shape how you see the world, how you see yourself, thus impacting how you function. That includes the way you speak, laugh, learn, walk, etc. Your personality is one that you did not originate. It has been originated by mental illness, by depression. It is one of the most disheartening things about the mind. I think what is so disheartening is that you are never the same. Even if an individual knows exactly who they were pre-depression, they will never be the same. They will forever be impacted by the event.

Acceptance is one of the hardest things in the world. 12 Step Programs tell you to do it, there are many therapies that focus on it. But it is hard. Very hard. Very very very hard. To accept that things are the way things are is to accept that they are never going to change. That means that in a way, you have given up a fight because essentially, that is what hanging on to disappointment and anger is. It is deciding you will never stop being angry, frustrated, appalled, etc at something and that something can be reversed or made-up for. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Little pieces of you that die or get enmeshed with bigger non-pieces of you are never revived or separated. They create new pieces of you. New pieces are born of you. And I suppose you have to accept that you lost and you have gained.

It is unfortunate.

London, England

I plan on taking a trip to London during the Winter Break. I need a break. And I am so tired of spending my New Year's sucky in Ohio. I want to do something fun. I will be able to meet up with my friends! This really excites me. Also, I want to look for a job for when I graduate. Is one semester too soon to look? I don't know if it will be possible for me to look for a job in January but only to start in May. I don't know how Britain's hiring usually works. I will try to go through 2 companies. I have a passport, I would just need to work on getting a working Visa. I can not believe I was serious about moving to another country for a couple of years. I just don't understand why I wouldn't. The only things that bother me are things like getting used to London and not wanting to come home or not being an American anymore. I know these things sound stupid, but they worry me. Also, I hate British food. I love England, hate their food. But their are so many things that I love about England.

I don't know. What a hard decision to make. I think if I do not move to England, I will move to New York. I need to get out of Ohio and spread my lil wings.

Shoes For the Day

DSW. Me Too Sandals

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Shoe Shine!!! Shoe Shine!!!

I have decided to take better care of my shoes. I bought a shoe shine kit and im at it. It is not always east to buy eco friendly items but what you can do is take better care of your shoes and such and buy less! Just a tip.

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Give Me A Break

I think that I need a break. I know I have one coming but it might now be coming fast enough. I will have one week before school starts. I have no plans, no appointments, and no dates made for that week. I literally plan on doing what I want and when I want to for that entire week. I hope to goodness that does not involve me driving myself crazy. I can drive myself crazy in all kinds of ways. I can shop too much, eat too much, stress or obsess too much, the list is pretty long. But I am refusing to do all of those things.

Speaking of shopping too much. I have been doing so. I just bought this dress:

I tell you that I am in love. It ties in the back. I think that I will wear it for the first day of classes. This dress is absolutely fabulous to me and I plan on looking absolutely fabulous in it.

I also bought some black boots and a pair of brown shoes from DSW yesterday. I am excited to wear those this fall.

Anyway. I have to go. I need to complete this chapter of work.

Today

Today I am having a good day. I am getting things done and I seem to be okay. I have been thinking about not having a car a lot but I have been okay.

I always share when I feel shitty. I wanted to share being good! :o)

life owes you nothing

ive been thinking about this idea that if i work hard enough i am owed recovery. i was thinking about how much bullshit that is. i am not owed recovery or peace or emotional stability. life owes me nothing. maybe i should stop trying so hard to be this person in my mind. maybe i am not her and will never be. maybe i will be unhappy for the rest of my life. these are all possibilities. actually it is more likely and statistically supported that i spend the rest of my life unhappy with mental illness and homeless. soooo. maybe i need to stop working against all these currents to ne something i am not. the problem is that giving up takes work too. everything takes work. everything but nonexisting. i wanted to finish reading tonight. women food and god. but for what? so i can just keep trying something else? whatever. this post is not a hopeful one. it is one filled with mispellings and grammatical errors becauase i am blogging from my phone. i owe you nothing. not even good grammar and spelling.

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nails nails nails

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lunch

subway

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Yup

I was just thinking about how I put cucumbers and tomatoes on my sandwich from subway. What I was thinking was that it was tasty. And I was thinking about how I have a spinach and almond salad for lunch and how redundant was that because I put spinach on my salad. Then I had to laugh at myself because the amount of corn I consume is ridiculous. And I do not know how many times I have had some crappy ass hashbrown for breakfast with a McDonalds sandwhich, then fries and a sandwich for lunch and then like fries for dinner or mashed potatoes or whatever. God forbid I eat spinach twice a day.

I was also thinking about how I would have to do this forever. It sucks but that is still my mental state. When I think of not binging and not consuming more than I need to and eating less sugar and adding veggies to every meal I get sad. Like I have some death warrant, when really the death warrant is the way I am eating now. It doesn't matter if I never loss weight, I need to eat differently for my health. That is what is hard to deal with. I know that I will have to actually have to separate weight and health. Will I lose weight? Yes. And should I? Yes. But really, if something happened where I never lost this weight and I had to eat differently so not to get diabetes and high blood pressure and stuff, I think fuck it. That is what is sad. That's why I know I need to love myself enough to do better for me no matter the results of my body size. Its a tricky situation.

Blogging What I Eat

I want to start blogging some of the things I eat. I love the blog katheats.com. I don't think I want to do this as a..eat what I eat and lose weight kind of thing. I just like to share what I eat. I think that it will help me cook more pretty things. lol. And eat prettier things. Or whatever. I was going to blog about needing to eat more fruits and veggies (because I do) but now I want to check out my new android app that will help me blog my food. We shall see how this goes.

Readings

Hello folks, I wanted to add some readings for today. I have been reading the following books:

Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches (Crossing Press Feminist Series)
This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color

They have helped with some of the anger. I will be going to the farmers market today, then I will try to have a healthy dinner. I need to figure out how to give myself more energy because being tired all the time will not work. I need to sleep, rest, eat well and stay on top of my mental health. Do the same sisters, do the same. What is it that we forget to take care of ourselves?

Blah

I am wildly unhappy today. I do not know how to get over it.

Energy

I have no energy. I think it is because of the med I am on. Damnit. You know, I need energy if I am going to try to become active and stuff. Do vitamins really work? I wonder..I think Vitamin B is what I would have to take. And I need to eat things that give me energy. I shall google that.

Anyhoo. I went exercising today. I went swimming. It was interesting. Before I went I weighed myself for the last time for at least like 4 months. I can not weigh myself often. It is counterproductive. Weight doesnt matter as much as actually health meaning energy and how my bones feel. And I can always check how my clothes are fitting which would be ill right about now.

Okay. I gotta go. This is why Black people dont swim everyday. I gots to do too much with my hair. *sigh*

Coming to Terms

There are many things that are an assault on the body. Just because your body can tolerate something in small amounts does not mean it is not an assault on the body. Also, every one has a different reaction to everything.

I think that sometimes people can reach weights that are an assault on their body. When a person can not walk or can not move because of their weight or when someone has no energy and their body slows down in ways related to weight.

So, I want to make it clear that I believe that fat acceptance is an awesome movement and I still support it but I have made my decision. I have been trying to figure out what I thought about the aspect of weight loss and fat acceptance and I have figured out that I am NOT against people trying to lose weight although I AM against dieting. I hope this makes sense.

Many times FA websites that I come across or literature that I come across are against trying to lose weight. They believe that you should participate in HAES (Which I agree with. Let me continue) but that no one should make the decision to lose weight and try. I think they define this as dieting. I define dieting as partaking in unhealthy practices to lose weight. It especially means trying to get down to a weight that does not work for you.

I believe that HAES is definitely true, but only to an extent. So I will just go ahead and say that no, I do not believe someone can be healthy at 700 pounds. I do not believe their are many people who are healthy at 500 or 400 pounds. I believe that it depends on height and body frame, yes, and that everyone knows how they feel at their own weight. I think their are probably 400 pound individuals that do not experience any "obesity related" health problems. I just don't think that there are that many.

I also think that people are bigger now for a reason. It is the food industry. A lot of discussion at FA websites and blogs have touched on the fact that the food industry has changed and that this may be the reason that many Americans are larger. This is true. I have known this for a reason. The obsessive part of my ED has done a lot of researching. Unfortunately I do not think that this means that everyone who is affected by current food science should just sit back. Everyone has different reactions to the food we eat and I think many people are fat because of the things in our staple foods and because of the culture of food that we live in. OF COURSE, People have the right to decide that they do not want to change. BUT, it is OKAY for people to decide that they want to demand more from the food industry and change the way they eat so they can become healthier, whether that means weight loss or not.

I am changing my behaviors and the things I eat for my health, sanity and for weight loss. My body is constantly tired. I get tired easily. I can not walk long before I am panting. Standing becomes uncomfortable after too long. Shoes aren't fitting as well and I am having feet and knee pain (gravity) a lot lately. I think I need to accept who I am and love myself through my recovery of my ED but I also think I need to loose weight. Of course I have the Fantasy of Being Thin and I need to check that shit. But I also have for real shit that is related to me gaining 50 pounds in the last year. I don't even think it has been a year.

I think that I will never be socially acceptable. People will always think that I need to lose weight. According to the bullshit BMI, I need to be 114 pounds. Get the hell out of here. I haven't weighed that before my age was below double digits probably. That is why I know HAES is real. I was my healthiest at 220 pounds! That was my freshmen year. I remember exercising a lot and trying to stay on top of ed. I was walking a lot. And people would still define me as fat. So, I can be healthy at a large size, I just know it is not this one. But weight loss will not be a punishment for me. It will never work if it is. Because of my mindset with my ED, it has always been "hate myself thin" and now I have to love myself healthy.

These are some of the books I am using for my recovery. I should say I have decided to stick with 3 for certain. Pollan (and my intuition) for a food plan. Women, Food and God and Mindful Eating handbook for understanding my ed and how to handle eating and emotions. Oh, also the other Mindful Eating book. There is so much out there. I have spent the last year confused. I will try this and if this does not work I will continue to try other things. I will try whatever I need to until I find recovery. I included ED for Dummies because it is also. As a feminist and a scholar I am reading Bodies Out of Bounds which will discuss the social construction of fatness and the prejudice associated with fat.

Sugar

I have been thinking about cutting it out of my diet. Trying to get better has been complex and weird but the facts about sugar remain. But having forbidden foods is not a good idea. But eliminating something with the intent to take it out forever is not a bad idea. I have been abstinant from sugar before in my life and the feeling of my body is crazy. Like, I do not know how to explain. And naturally I loose weight.

These facts..

In 1700, the average person consumed about 4 pounds of sugar per year.
In 1800, the average person consumed about 18 pounds of sugar per year.
In 1900, individual consumption had risen to 90 pounds of sugar per year.
In 2009, more than 50 percent of all Americans consume one-half pound of sugar PER DAY—translating to a whopping 180 pounds of sugar per year!

make you wonder about obestity and sugar and American society. I got these facts from a health website http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/04/20/sugar-dangers.aspx.

I dont know. I am still working out my relationship with sugar.

Why Do People Do Things That Make Them Feel Bad?

Because it feels good in the moment and shitty after the fact.

Movies I need to See

I just felt like sharing a couple of movies I need to see. Movies that are on my mind.

1. Iron Man Two
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
3. Twilight: Eclipse
4. Gangs of New York
5. Princess and the Frog
6. Toy Story 3
7. Shrek...4?
8. Priceless
9. Alice in Wonderland

No particular order. Why havent I seen these movies? Shame on me.

Black Women and Wellness

I am reading Bell Hook's "Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self-Recovery." Anyone who knows me well knows that I am in recovery.

I am in recovery from growing up in a broken environment. I am in recovery from an eating disorder. I am in recovery from mental ailments. I consider myself in recovery.

Writing those sentences made me think of Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food, and God." She talks about this obsession with fixing one's self. Whenever I speak about recovery I have to remind myself that recovery is different from fixing. I need to make a space between those two.

Black women and recovery. Black women and self-recovery. Black women and wellness. Black Women, Food and God. I should write a book of the latter. It is so hard to talk about Black women and recovery. This is because by nature I want the answers. I want all the anwsers to all the questions that pertain to helping my sisters. I need to be able to heal my sisters. Me too! I need to heal me too but I would like to heal my sisters from the shit we go through. There is a very important statement in "Sisters of the Yam":

"Living as we do in a white supremacist capitalistic patriarchal context that can best exploit us when we lack a firm grounding in self and identity (knowledge of who we are and where we have come from), choosing "wellness" is an act of political resistance."

When I read this the other day it sat with me. It sat with me in a positive and a negative way. I felt like there was a connection and that someone finally understood but I also felt saddened that my desire to be self-actualized is a political statement. Getting well is so complicated by itself.

Because of my Blackness, everything I do is political. I am a Black, Bisexual Woman who grew up in poverty. Every move I make is political; an example, a story, etc. I wish it weren't. Maybe my wellness would come sooner if their wasn't so much that went with it.

I wonder when I will be well. I wish every sister I ever encounter and do not encounter wellness. I wish everyone wellness as a matter of fact. I will die if I do not become well. I may be physically living (or not) but I will be dead honey. Dead.

Precious

I was walking back to the office. I work at a University. Many times in the summer there are packs of children and teens because they do programs. As I was walking by I passed a pack and one of the young boys thought it would be hilarious to yell at me "Hey Precious!"

Now. I wanted to say something back. But I am 23 years old. I am far too old to argue or verbally assault a young person but unfortunately it does not work that way the other way around.

I just looked back but I went back to hear all the OOOHHHHsssss and AAAWWWWWssss and just went into the office.

What would I have said anyways? Hey! Dont you call me fat! Or hey, yo mamma! Am I hurt? Yes. Do I want to be? No. I do not want to be hurt because I have experienced it so many times. I do not want to be hurt because Gabby is pretty damn awesome and to be offended to be called her is an insult to her, women who look like her and women who love her. Although, being called precious is something a little different. But essentially I was being called fat and unattractive. Am I hurt? Yes. Because I am tired of that. And because it seems like no matter how much I gear myself up to think of myself as a young beautiful intelligent Black women, to society, I am still a fat A-Sexual Black woman. That is what I am before I open my mouth.

The nature of this situation is complex being that these were middle school aged kids and that they were Black and they know plenty of people who look like me. I am sure I am their mother, their aunt, their best friends sister, etc. It still doesn't matter. I grew up with them. And it just seems like I will never get away from the ridicule, whether it be from magazines and books and tv shows and dating websites and people at bars or middle school aged kids waiting for their school bus.

Being fat is exhausting. It really is. Trying to find a treatment plan for a non-socially acceptable ed is even more exhausting, especially when your trying to do HAES and FA and all that good stuff. I am just a bit exhausted.

Get Busy

I have decided to start taking dance classes. To be honest I am a bit frightened by the idea of my very plump self exercising in front of skinny people. I also hate that I will probably have to dance in front of a mirror. What the hell is that? Why do they put those huge mirrors up?

Ultimately, I am workong on body acceptance and self acceptance so I am excited. I want to become more fit and I would like to restructure my relationship with exercise. Having an eating disorder as an obese person can be rough but I really need to stop thinking of being active as punishment for being fat because that is why I dont do it. It is so weird but I could not figure out why I felt guilty when I exercised. I now know.

It is because I feel such a sense of shame. And because exercise is supposed to right my wrong right? No. Not so. Gotta change my mind.

I do feel like I am exercising for weight loss though. I do not want to expect an amount. I do believe in HAES and fat acceptance but I also believe in gravity and statistics about Black women. Especially Black women from poverty. And having BED is more than just oh I have to accept my size. I absolutely do but the weight on me is more than genetics. It is an ED and I have to reverse some of what I have done. I just dont know what my set weight is. It is all so confusing.

Bottom line. I would like to get more active.

Fullofselfness

That is exactly what I have. I have no idea why I just thought to myself that I could write my first thing in graduate school 3 hours before it was due. What was I thinking? I have no idea.

There is this thing that happens when too many people praise you. You start thinking you dont have to work for things as hard. It is quite the ridiculous. I think it happens to me a lot. I think that I can't take praise and I can't take critism. People praise me and I think I am the best. SOmeone critisizes me and I think I am the worse person in the world. It is the problem of a Black and White thinker. Of a person with anxiety and depression. It is quite the ridiculous.

I have a new cat. Her name is Sunny Dubois. I adopted her Sunday. I have another cat named Tabby and she is grown. Sunny is grown. At the moment they do not like each other. They will hopefully get over it.

Any of my readers add a cat to their household? A grown cat with another grown cat.

Oh. She is Russian Blue and I love her.

Police Brutality and Black Children

Across from my apartment is a playground. A playground that belongs to the Catholic Church attached to it. Nicely enough the Catholic church allows people from the community to use the playground on the weekends, otherwise it is electronically gated. I enjoy looking outside some days and seeing kids screaming and yelling and having fun.

Yesterday I see an older boy and what probably is a brother and cousin playing outside. Black. They are playing with lightening bugs. Of course the older fellow is trying to squash a lightning bug that the younger boy had in his palm and they are arguing and doing what kids do when its starting to get dark and they hanging around playing.

Today I was having an okay day. I went to two medical appointments that I had and on the way home I stopped at a flea market and got some vintage clothing and an interpretation of the Koran. On my way to my car I see a woman that lives in my building. I give her a ride back to the apartment.

When I am taking my goodies out of my car a cop car passed by me. Of course I was a little startled because I accidentally spilled organic rice cake pieces all over the ground and I wasn't sure if they were going to pull over and arrest my Black ass for littering. But of course, I was just being paranoid. They went into the park. I thought nothing of it because a lot of times cops cross through the park. I continue to get things out of my car and then another car passes. Then a van. Then another van. All cops. I turn around to see what is going on just as a cop (white) is pulling the older Black boy I saw yesterday off of his swing and slamming him into the ground. I see a white woman and 5 white children surrounding the police and the young boy. Then I see the little boy (who is 9 because he cried and screamed, I am only 9 years old!) in hand cuffs. They are yelling and grabbing and slamming into the car these young Black boys. I am becoming enraged and tears are welling up in my eyes and I can't believe that these boys could do something so wrong to warrant this treatment. Then I see the gun. The gun that the older boy had in his possession.

And I do not know how to feel. Now. I am confused and even more enraged and incredibly sorrowed. What is a young boy, who still enjoys playing with lightening bugs and swinging on tire swings doing with a hand gun? And why are these cops filled with so much hate for these young boys without question. I can feel it. Particularly two cops. I have so many thoughts and questions running through my mind. They let the young 9 year old boy go when they realize he knew nothing about the gun. Then I see family arrive. I see another young Black boy (relative I presume) who is being hard and tough and then I see a police officer slam him against the white van and yell things at him such as "You want to be hard, you want to be tough. I will show you tough." Then he is handcuffed and placed in a car. Roughly. And little ones ages 4 to 10 surround this. A police officer has to move a young 4 year old out the way. I should state that that white family mentioned before is long gone after witnessing so much.

All I can think about the young Black children (friends and family) that witnessed this. And a young black girl who sticks in mind who was just a little too grown. I could hear her yelling and telling the other children (who are confused) what is going on. I think, what about that little 9 year old boy who had nothing to do with the gun who was thrown around and yelled at and treated badly? What is the message that he has received? What about that 4 year old little girl who had to be pulled out the way? Most importantly what about the older boy who could be no older than 13? What about him. Where did he get this gun? Did he have plans to do something with it?

Of course I just watched across the street feeling voyeuristic and unproductive. I needed to watch though just in case something went wrong, which happens frequently. There are so many holes in my understanding of course. How did they know about the gun? Did someone call? Did the boy show it to the family that was at the playground? Where were the adults in this young boys life? Why weren't they at the playground as well, watching over everyone.

I am still confused and compartmentalizing my emotions. I know that having a gun is serious so these police officers had to be serious. But there is a treatment of Black people, especially Black men that is so familiar. My best friend has told me about his experiences. I have seen it in person so many times before. And what bothers me is that I saw it today. I saw this angry manly aggressive racist treatment of this young boy that only someone of color I think can understand. You have to grow up seeing it. You have to be seasoned in it. You have to see police a lot (in many situations) to understand it. So today my heart felt broken for so many reasons. And I just needed to let the Internet know about it.

When Your Not Like Everyone Else

I know this sounds crazy but I dont feel young anymore. I just graduated from college earlier this month with a degree in Social Work. I am not a graduate student (classes start June 7) and I just feel old. I think that this feeling happened way before I graduated. Maybe it started the end of 2008 or when I came back from study abroad. I am onlye 23 years old but I feel like I am an old woman.

When I wasa 18 I had much of the same interests that I have now but it was no way I could feel old because I was like 18 or 19. Now that I am 23 and I am getting more interested in things that are artisitc and fun (to me) I have been feeling like I am about to settle down with my cat and live forever. I now do ceramics. I go to a cultural center and I am sure that I am the youngest and I am also the only Black person in the room. Im in the process of learning how to sew. I paint. I love to cook. I love my cat. I love movies. I sit in bed and read. I dont go out to clubs and get shit faced and I hardly drink at all. I dont do drugs. Im way too responsible. Put on top of all this that I am a feminist and theres no questions to why I dont date.

I am just feeling like an old lady. And I was thinking about my feelings and trying to figure out how much of this is fear of responsibility and how much of it is just me being silly. But I dont know. I think has a lot to do with my identity. I know I am constantly talking about my identity this and my identity that but when you are me where I am, shit can be tough to manage. Theres not too many people like me roaming around here. And that makes for a lonely time. And it makes for a questioning time. I am fat and Black and I have locs and I love make-up but Im quirky and weird and I am into a lot of artsy stuff. Where do I fit in the world around me? Isnt that enough to make someone feel washed up?

I think about all the people who question themselves not only because they may not match the stereotypes and commonalities that come with their identity but because they also don't find a lot of people around them that can say the same thing. This is definetely not a whoa is me post. It is, however, a got damn shit mothafucker why do I feel so old fat and weird post. It just is. I don't know. What is this really about. Is this about dating? Is this about feeling like I am not who people want me to be?

Its all so complicated. Especially as a feminist. I understand the personal is political but sometimes it is hard for me to just ignore my feelings and concious because I know a though process or feeling is unfeminist or that just because I know the why of the wrongs means that I am just supposed to feel all cuddly and cute. It dont work like that. This is on my mind a lot.

I guess I am just transisitioning in life. I love that I am stepping into my skin more but the more I do it the more I get scared because I just dont know if my skin is good enough and I dont know if its gonna work. You know what I mean?

Just some thoughts on the shit in my head today.

So Late

I know. I have been so late with my responses. Sorry people. Very sorry.

And by people, of course I mean like 2 or 3. lol. But still. Yea.

So, I am in this phase of the summer where I do not have much to do. But for some reason I can't get excited about doing much of anything either. I hate to even admit this but I have not been to the movies in about 2 months. I do not know if it is my anti-depressants or if it is just me but I am not doing what I usually do. I mean, lord knows I am a movie fanatic and here I am sitting about not even thinking about movies. I know that I would have already seen Robin Hood and Iron Man II. I would have known when Twilight was coming out (Yes, I go to see the movies. I have never read the books though). I dont know. I just feel like I am so behind with everything.

I wish I was a bit more apart of the world. Thats exactly how I feel. I have to study for my test tonight and I really dont feel like doing that. Blah. Blah. Blah. And its raining. Blah. I know. I am just complaining. This is obviously a post of complaints.

I need to go. I think I might see Iron Man 2.

Why Oprah is out of touch

Because on her show (I do not know when it aired) when she was showing off the ipad, she had the audacity to say....

This is going to change the way kids will learn.

Or something to that affect. Its like...really? Maybe she should have said...this is the way middle and upper class children will learn. The kids who are struggling in the hood will continue to do so.

Tis All

I think I am Done

I have a resentment. I want to talk about it because I just need to.

I am resentful at The Fat Acceptance movement. Why you ask?

It is way too simplistic. And it appears to think that any weight gain is a natural weight gain. I say this because whenever people talk about gaining weight when it conerns fat acceptance, the response is that your body is doing what it is meant to do. The idea of restricting food is horrible because it is a "diet" and not accepting your body. And if you lose weight, well your certain to gain it back. I am just so confused by this movement and therefore I give up.

The other part of the movement I already believed it. Fat is not a moral issue (My ed tells me other wise but the intellectual me knows better. Too bad the intellectual me doesnt run my life) and fat people should not be discriminated against. Also, people shouldnt assume fat people are unhealthy and that fat people are fat because of their diet.

My issue is that I think the fat acceptance movement doesnt want to admit that some fat people ARE fat because of their diet and have a RIGHT to decide that they do not want to be that way (or do want to be that way). My other issue is that the fat acceptance movement screams that fatness is complex and that studies need more research but then on the other side they seem to know it all when it comes to fat people who want to lose weight and how they will for certain gain it back and how few people can do this and also that fat does not cause any health issues.

I just have a problem with the fat acceptance movement when it relates to having an eating disorder because no one wants to talk about how some of these beliefs can harm people with eating disorders, like not trying to change your weight.

That being said, overall, I dont believe that the movement is "dangerous." Thats bullshit. I think that depending on who you are, if you have an eating disorder and etc, it can confuse you.

I am done with my rant. Have I ranted on this subject before? I think so.

My Life Feels Like A Pot of Hot Mess

Hello,
So, yes, I am graduating soon. This makes for excitement but it also makes for nausea. I applied for the Master's program at my school and I received the letter so late that they had to put me on a waiting list for Work Study. I need my work study to live off of this summer.

My rent will be due at the end of May. And I have but a slice of pie in the savings as we speak. I am late on my phone bill, close on my credit card bill and cannot believe I will make my cable bill (which I know I can get rid of but I am waiting on TrueBlood and Dexter. Damn Damn Damn).

I have two things due in classes, oh wait. No, 3. One of them is super duper important. I can not seem to get anything finished because of my attention span and some emotional crap going on.

I am going through a bunch of emotional crap. That always makes everything seem so sucky. I just want to not be freaking out about all of these things. Oh, and I have appointments coming up which I need off of work for, I forgot my dentist appointment would make me not go to my therapy appointment but as I said above, that's kind of needed right now.

So, yea. This is why my life seems a hot mess right now. But I know that it could always be worse. I could be on the street or without shelter or food and that is not what it is right now. The fact that I can even have a savings account and checking account no matter what is in them is a blessing. Through all my ranting and raving I have to realize how much I am blessed and how I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, OR THINGS. Everything will work out how it would work out and I have to do things one step at a time. I guess I will begin to work on my school work now.

Peace and Love

Complexities

I was just half reading an article on Jezebel. It was about the politics of fuckability (Wow, would that not be a fantastic thesis?).

I want to talk about this because I understand it. I get it. I get the issue. But most importantly, I understand being on the non-fuckability side of it.

I think when you talk about being overweight it makes the conversation different but when you add being a minority it makes it even more interesting. I am a Black woman. Being a Black woman alone takes away some of my fuckability in society. But I am a plus size Black woman, who is brown skinned (not light skinned), plus sized and has locs (and has had natural hair since high school).

To me this is all about the politics of invisibility. It is about the fact that once you are not fuckable, you are invisible. I have been invisible in this society for a long time. And I guess I want to say it gets tiring. But when I go on Jezebel and see the comments of other women who have the same issues, it makes me feel like I and so many other people can relate. I do not want this to exist. And the politics of it is complex. Being a feminist and all, I should not want to be objectified. I do not want to be objectified. But this is not the issue.

It is an issue of not being seen.

So I wanted to talk about that for a bit. I guess I will move on. Go do some other stuff today.

A Space

I was thinking last night about "my progress." I was thinking about my progress concerning my eating disorder, my depression and anxiety, the grieving process of my trauma, my education, and my developing of healthy relationships. I am always in change mode. Below I talked about feeling like I am shedding an old me which is true and good. But the kind of change that I am talking about in the entry has everything to do with not being okay as I am.

What I mean is that, I am perpetually under construction. I never feel like I am who I am at the moment. I am always "waiting" to be someone else. It can be such a fucking cop out. And I think that is why it is so hard for me to accept myself. I feel like I dont want to be who I am now so why would I accept that person when I am in the process of changing her.

It is so hard for me to say that but it is true. And the problem is that I have to accept myself right now. I am wasting my present on the future and the past and not doing so is the hardest thing to do.

I just want to be okay in the present, ya know? And I think that everyone does. But they get so stuck in wanting to change themselves "for the better" that they neglect themselves at the now.

So I just wanted to say that. I am struggling today. My medication is making me sick. Literally and figurtively. You would think that anti-depressants and anxiety medication would be more simple. It isn't.

So, I think I have been sharing a lot on here. I dont care. I probably should. Hopefully none of my employers or co-workers find this website and then find out who I am. That would be crazy.

I will probably post later as well. I just needed a space to talk for a minute.

Another Phase

I believe I am in another phase in my life.

It is okay. I am okay with it. I am coming into another self. I feel like I am shedding another part of me. I know this because it hurts. And I think it is something to take Joy in. I think everyone should take joy in change. The thing is that it is hard to figure out what you want to stay and what you want to go, when it comes to who you are. I am constantly changing, and I used to think that this was something to be ashamed of or something that was wrong. But now I think I embrace it. I try to figure out what part of me is hurting, what is changing and how I will come out on the other side.

Right now I am having to re-evaluate friendship, what friendship means to me and the support I need from loved ones. Everyone should do this. Not just friendships but relationships with lovers and family members. People become stuck in relationships and friendships that they do not want or need or that do not fulfill what they think they should.

I think that it is also important to be okay with self. To be okay with the quiet that comes with being in solitude and understanding the difference between being lonely and being in solitude with self. I have had problems with both and I want to come to terms with one. There is no reason I or anyone else should be lonely but there is a reason to be in solitude whether you are forced into it or you have to carve that solitude out for yourself. Solitude is necessary to understand yourself better and get a grip on what is important in your life and how you are going to move your life and the relationships in it to a place where you get what you need.

So, I guess all of that is what I felt like saying in this post. I am currently listening to Jill Scott's "Hear My Call" and it brings something forth in me that is so strong and so real. I love that I can feel that. The last time I felt this way when I first heard a song was Jill's. She does it for me. There is something so real in her voice.

Oh and Erykah. Which yalls should go get.

Oh and I dont feel like proofing this. So this is the real thing today.

Graduation Party

Today was a fun day. I went out to eat with my parents right after me and my mom went shopping for my graduation party stuff.

I am so excited to be graduating. I mean, golly. It is exciting. I have spent forever in school and now I get to have a degree. A part of me does not want to go to graduate school. A part of me would like to get a job and just work and pay off my loans and get 2 more cats and live in a nice apartment. But no, I shall live in my crappy but lovely apartment while I am receiving my Master's degree.

So, I was feeling all great today and now I am back to feeling a tad crappy. I hate it when it feels like there is nothing to do. I wish I could go to the movies and just blow off all of my work but the problem is that that is what I have been doing.

The funny thing is that I titled this Graduation Party because I was going to talk about my graduation party but now I don't feel like getting into it. Just know that it is super exciting to know that I will have a room full of people that support me and have cards and gifts and eat and just have fun. OOOHH. Maybe I will get to go to the movies afterwards.

Well, I suppose that is it.

Is Sugar Crack?

No really.

I am being serious. Google sugar and digestion. It is very creepy. Instead of getting a ton of websites that simply describe the digestion of sugar, they talk about sugar as a drug.

Now, I am an ex-OA'er and I have my issues with sugar. I do. I need to find some peace. Which is why I wanted to search how it is digested in the body so I could have my own understanding of the effect of sugar. Even when searching this information unbiased..ly...I found that sugar really is bad news. No, really. Sugar is bad news. Refined sugar I should say. To make a long long story short, sugar is empty of the vitimans and nutrients that is in cane juice or honey. Refined sugar is empty empty and it does a lot of shit to your kidneys in order to consume it. It is just interesting I tell you. Really.

So, I wanted to share this. I just totally ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and am feeling sick to my stomach. Not only because I am lactose intolerant (and when I say I am, I mean it. The indegestion is fast and serious) but I am having a little bit of a sugar rush before bed. Crazy. And I will crash. I will crash and what will happen? Will I be sleep? I always have crappy sleep when I eat sugar before I go to bed.

I am just saying. Sugar needs to be investigated.

Black Women and Depression

There are a lot of blogs. There are even blogs about having blogs. I can seriously find a blog dedicated to things that I never want to read on a blog. So why is it that there are not many blogs about Black women and depression. I am saying many because I do not want to say any. I can not say that I searched high and wide. I did search enough to find out that they are either outdated or just not there. I think that more Black women should blog about mental illess. More Black people in general.

People go to blogs in order to read individuals (or many individuals) perception, view, opinion, etc. of things. And someone who is Black and has a mental disorder needs to come out to talk about it, on a blog. I could say that the reason why I think there is a lack of this is because of the shame that comes with mental illess, let alone the shame that comes with mental illness in the Black community.

I would like to start a blog about experiencing mental illness and having experienced being around others with mental illness but how? And what am I doing with this blog. I do not want a blog to be all about how sad it is to have a mental illess. I would like it to be informative while being personal, open and honest. If I do not do one, I would like someone else to do one. This is something I should talk to my friends about doing. I think it is important. Just a thought for the night time I suppose.

McShitty

I am having a McShitty day. I feel like shit. I hate feeling like shit, because when I feel crappy, the world can do no right. I am totally one of those people. But thats what depression does to you. It shades the way you look at the world. It makes the world gray. Everything seems like it is either stupid or too hard. And I just dont have the time for it. I knew how today was going to be when I woke up.

I woke up in one of those...oh shit moods. You know? When you just know that something deep inside is being attacked by something. It is a horrible feeling. And its almost unbearable. That is until you participate in some instant gratification which would be anythig that changes your mood quickly. That is how addictions start. Not for everyone of course. A lot of addictions start because people are curious but many addictions start because people need some relief. And I need some relief. It's a wonder I am not a crack head sometimes.

I have so much work to do. And I knew that I was feeling my old self again because I feel consumed by life instead of consuming life. Depression is seriously a bitch.

So, I am deleting my picture off of here. Only because I do not know who reads my page. And also, I do not want to be identifiable. I just want to not have a face. I mean, the truth is probably that no one comes by here. That I am probably just writing this for my own pleasure. But thats fine. You just never know.

Hey Hey Hey

Today I am restless. I just can not get any energy going on. Mainly energy for school. I just get online and bullshit. I am not sure why. It is just an easy thing to do when you are bored. I hate it when I just come online and become obsessed with looking at all of these gossip and fashion blogs. What does it really do for anyone to stay on Jezebel or YBF or anything else all day? Nothing at all. And yet, I still do it.

So, I am making a committment to stay off of the internet all weekend. Unless it is on my school website, which is where I need to be so I can complete this work. Otherwise, I need not be on the internet. I hope that I am able to finish just a little bit of homework tonight so that I can relax more tomorrow. But I doubt it. I will probably have to work tomorrow anyways.

I am at least very glad that the weather is awesome! I hope anyone out there who might be reading my blog has a good day. :o)

Trying New Things

Why don't I just learn to sew? I do not get it. It's like I am just stalling. I have a used sewing machine. I have a dress to make. I have power. I mean, I have everything I need. I just can't begin the process. I need some kind of learning how to sew DVD. How in the heck am I going to find a dvd that teaches plus size gals who hate math how to sew?! Agh. And the picture above is even annoying me. Where are the pattern pictures of fat Black women! huh huh huh? Yea. Thought so.

I will begin. Seriously. I can't just fail at this. Or maybe that is why I havent even started it yet. Maybe I dont want to fail so I havent started. That is my goal this weekend. To just stitch a stitch. Although, I think I may be getting sick..

Acceptance

I want to talk about Acceptance today. I feel like my all of my energy goes to two things. I am trying to accept myself and accept that I cannot control people, places or things. And I am also working on trying to get myself to some place where I am comfortable with who I am. And I know it seems like the two aren't compatible. And I actually understand this part about the Fat Acceptance movement. Well, to a point. I understand that you cannot say that you are accepting yourself how you are at the moment but then turn around and go on the Atkins diet. I get that. That's problematic. But I also want to make it clear that having BED and trying to work on "Fat Acceptance" does not always seem compatible. I cannot just say oh I accept the BED and lets move on. I actually do have to restrict something. That's the problem with BED. So. All of my energy is going towards accepting myself but it is also going towards being at a place where I am at peace. Being able to move past the BED and have a life where I am functionable and not wanting to jump out of my skin.

And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.

Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.

So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.

Notes on Cable

Really.

I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...

I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.

Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.

What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.

Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.