Thursday, May 27, 2010

When Your Not Like Everyone Else

I know this sounds crazy but I dont feel young anymore. I just graduated from college earlier this month with a degree in Social Work. I am not a graduate student (classes start June 7) and I just feel old. I think that this feeling happened way before I graduated. Maybe it started the end of 2008 or when I came back from study abroad. I am onlye 23 years old but I feel like I am an old woman.

When I wasa 18 I had much of the same interests that I have now but it was no way I could feel old because I was like 18 or 19. Now that I am 23 and I am getting more interested in things that are artisitc and fun (to me) I have been feeling like I am about to settle down with my cat and live forever. I now do ceramics. I go to a cultural center and I am sure that I am the youngest and I am also the only Black person in the room. Im in the process of learning how to sew. I paint. I love to cook. I love my cat. I love movies. I sit in bed and read. I dont go out to clubs and get shit faced and I hardly drink at all. I dont do drugs. Im way too responsible. Put on top of all this that I am a feminist and theres no questions to why I dont date.

I am just feeling like an old lady. And I was thinking about my feelings and trying to figure out how much of this is fear of responsibility and how much of it is just me being silly. But I dont know. I think has a lot to do with my identity. I know I am constantly talking about my identity this and my identity that but when you are me where I am, shit can be tough to manage. Theres not too many people like me roaming around here. And that makes for a lonely time. And it makes for a questioning time. I am fat and Black and I have locs and I love make-up but Im quirky and weird and I am into a lot of artsy stuff. Where do I fit in the world around me? Isnt that enough to make someone feel washed up?

I think about all the people who question themselves not only because they may not match the stereotypes and commonalities that come with their identity but because they also don't find a lot of people around them that can say the same thing. This is definetely not a whoa is me post. It is, however, a got damn shit mothafucker why do I feel so old fat and weird post. It just is. I don't know. What is this really about. Is this about dating? Is this about feeling like I am not who people want me to be?

Its all so complicated. Especially as a feminist. I understand the personal is political but sometimes it is hard for me to just ignore my feelings and concious because I know a though process or feeling is unfeminist or that just because I know the why of the wrongs means that I am just supposed to feel all cuddly and cute. It dont work like that. This is on my mind a lot.

I guess I am just transisitioning in life. I love that I am stepping into my skin more but the more I do it the more I get scared because I just dont know if my skin is good enough and I dont know if its gonna work. You know what I mean?

Just some thoughts on the shit in my head today.

Monday, May 17, 2010

So Late

I know. I have been so late with my responses. Sorry people. Very sorry.

And by people, of course I mean like 2 or 3. lol. But still. Yea.

So, I am in this phase of the summer where I do not have much to do. But for some reason I can't get excited about doing much of anything either. I hate to even admit this but I have not been to the movies in about 2 months. I do not know if it is my anti-depressants or if it is just me but I am not doing what I usually do. I mean, lord knows I am a movie fanatic and here I am sitting about not even thinking about movies. I know that I would have already seen Robin Hood and Iron Man II. I would have known when Twilight was coming out (Yes, I go to see the movies. I have never read the books though). I dont know. I just feel like I am so behind with everything.

I wish I was a bit more apart of the world. Thats exactly how I feel. I have to study for my test tonight and I really dont feel like doing that. Blah. Blah. Blah. And its raining. Blah. I know. I am just complaining. This is obviously a post of complaints.

I need to go. I think I might see Iron Man 2.