Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Today I am having a good day. I am getting things done and I seem to be okay. I have been thinking about not having a car a lot but I have been okay.

I always share when I feel shitty. I wanted to share being good! :o)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

life owes you nothing

ive been thinking about this idea that if i work hard enough i am owed recovery. i was thinking about how much bullshit that is. i am not owed recovery or peace or emotional stability. life owes me nothing. maybe i should stop trying so hard to be this person in my mind. maybe i am not her and will never be. maybe i will be unhappy for the rest of my life. these are all possibilities. actually it is more likely and statistically supported that i spend the rest of my life unhappy with mental illness and homeless. soooo. maybe i need to stop working against all these currents to ne something i am not. the problem is that giving up takes work too. everything takes work. everything but nonexisting. i wanted to finish reading tonight. women food and god. but for what? so i can just keep trying something else? whatever. this post is not a hopeful one. it is one filled with mispellings and grammatical errors becauase i am blogging from my phone. i owe you nothing. not even good grammar and spelling.

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Monday, July 19, 2010

nails nails nails

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I was just thinking about how I put cucumbers and tomatoes on my sandwich from subway. What I was thinking was that it was tasty. And I was thinking about how I have a spinach and almond salad for lunch and how redundant was that because I put spinach on my salad. Then I had to laugh at myself because the amount of corn I consume is ridiculous. And I do not know how many times I have had some crappy ass hashbrown for breakfast with a McDonalds sandwhich, then fries and a sandwich for lunch and then like fries for dinner or mashed potatoes or whatever. God forbid I eat spinach twice a day.

I was also thinking about how I would have to do this forever. It sucks but that is still my mental state. When I think of not binging and not consuming more than I need to and eating less sugar and adding veggies to every meal I get sad. Like I have some death warrant, when really the death warrant is the way I am eating now. It doesn't matter if I never loss weight, I need to eat differently for my health. That is what is hard to deal with. I know that I will have to actually have to separate weight and health. Will I lose weight? Yes. And should I? Yes. But really, if something happened where I never lost this weight and I had to eat differently so not to get diabetes and high blood pressure and stuff, I think fuck it. That is what is sad. That's why I know I need to love myself enough to do better for me no matter the results of my body size. Its a tricky situation.

Blogging What I Eat

I want to start blogging some of the things I eat. I love the blog I don't think I want to do this as what I eat and lose weight kind of thing. I just like to share what I eat. I think that it will help me cook more pretty things. lol. And eat prettier things. Or whatever. I was going to blog about needing to eat more fruits and veggies (because I do) but now I want to check out my new android app that will help me blog my food. We shall see how this goes.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Hello folks, I wanted to add some readings for today. I have been reading the following books:

Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches (Crossing Press Feminist Series)
This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color

They have helped with some of the anger. I will be going to the farmers market today, then I will try to have a healthy dinner. I need to figure out how to give myself more energy because being tired all the time will not work. I need to sleep, rest, eat well and stay on top of my mental health. Do the same sisters, do the same. What is it that we forget to take care of ourselves?


I am wildly unhappy today. I do not know how to get over it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I have no energy. I think it is because of the med I am on. Damnit. You know, I need energy if I am going to try to become active and stuff. Do vitamins really work? I wonder..I think Vitamin B is what I would have to take. And I need to eat things that give me energy. I shall google that.

Anyhoo. I went exercising today. I went swimming. It was interesting. Before I went I weighed myself for the last time for at least like 4 months. I can not weigh myself often. It is counterproductive. Weight doesnt matter as much as actually health meaning energy and how my bones feel. And I can always check how my clothes are fitting which would be ill right about now.

Okay. I gotta go. This is why Black people dont swim everyday. I gots to do too much with my hair. *sigh*

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Coming to Terms

There are many things that are an assault on the body. Just because your body can tolerate something in small amounts does not mean it is not an assault on the body. Also, every one has a different reaction to everything.

I think that sometimes people can reach weights that are an assault on their body. When a person can not walk or can not move because of their weight or when someone has no energy and their body slows down in ways related to weight.

So, I want to make it clear that I believe that fat acceptance is an awesome movement and I still support it but I have made my decision. I have been trying to figure out what I thought about the aspect of weight loss and fat acceptance and I have figured out that I am NOT against people trying to lose weight although I AM against dieting. I hope this makes sense.

Many times FA websites that I come across or literature that I come across are against trying to lose weight. They believe that you should participate in HAES (Which I agree with. Let me continue) but that no one should make the decision to lose weight and try. I think they define this as dieting. I define dieting as partaking in unhealthy practices to lose weight. It especially means trying to get down to a weight that does not work for you.

I believe that HAES is definitely true, but only to an extent. So I will just go ahead and say that no, I do not believe someone can be healthy at 700 pounds. I do not believe their are many people who are healthy at 500 or 400 pounds. I believe that it depends on height and body frame, yes, and that everyone knows how they feel at their own weight. I think their are probably 400 pound individuals that do not experience any "obesity related" health problems. I just don't think that there are that many.

I also think that people are bigger now for a reason. It is the food industry. A lot of discussion at FA websites and blogs have touched on the fact that the food industry has changed and that this may be the reason that many Americans are larger. This is true. I have known this for a reason. The obsessive part of my ED has done a lot of researching. Unfortunately I do not think that this means that everyone who is affected by current food science should just sit back. Everyone has different reactions to the food we eat and I think many people are fat because of the things in our staple foods and because of the culture of food that we live in. OF COURSE, People have the right to decide that they do not want to change. BUT, it is OKAY for people to decide that they want to demand more from the food industry and change the way they eat so they can become healthier, whether that means weight loss or not.

I am changing my behaviors and the things I eat for my health, sanity and for weight loss. My body is constantly tired. I get tired easily. I can not walk long before I am panting. Standing becomes uncomfortable after too long. Shoes aren't fitting as well and I am having feet and knee pain (gravity) a lot lately. I think I need to accept who I am and love myself through my recovery of my ED but I also think I need to loose weight. Of course I have the Fantasy of Being Thin and I need to check that shit. But I also have for real shit that is related to me gaining 50 pounds in the last year. I don't even think it has been a year.

I think that I will never be socially acceptable. People will always think that I need to lose weight. According to the bullshit BMI, I need to be 114 pounds. Get the hell out of here. I haven't weighed that before my age was below double digits probably. That is why I know HAES is real. I was my healthiest at 220 pounds! That was my freshmen year. I remember exercising a lot and trying to stay on top of ed. I was walking a lot. And people would still define me as fat. So, I can be healthy at a large size, I just know it is not this one. But weight loss will not be a punishment for me. It will never work if it is. Because of my mindset with my ED, it has always been "hate myself thin" and now I have to love myself healthy.

These are some of the books I am using for my recovery. I should say I have decided to stick with 3 for certain. Pollan (and my intuition) for a food plan. Women, Food and God and Mindful Eating handbook for understanding my ed and how to handle eating and emotions. Oh, also the other Mindful Eating book. There is so much out there. I have spent the last year confused. I will try this and if this does not work I will continue to try other things. I will try whatever I need to until I find recovery. I included ED for Dummies because it is also. As a feminist and a scholar I am reading Bodies Out of Bounds which will discuss the social construction of fatness and the prejudice associated with fat.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I have been thinking about cutting it out of my diet. Trying to get better has been complex and weird but the facts about sugar remain. But having forbidden foods is not a good idea. But eliminating something with the intent to take it out forever is not a bad idea. I have been abstinant from sugar before in my life and the feeling of my body is crazy. Like, I do not know how to explain. And naturally I loose weight.

These facts..

In 1700, the average person consumed about 4 pounds of sugar per year.
In 1800, the average person consumed about 18 pounds of sugar per year.
In 1900, individual consumption had risen to 90 pounds of sugar per year.
In 2009, more than 50 percent of all Americans consume one-half pound of sugar PER DAY—translating to a whopping 180 pounds of sugar per year!

make you wonder about obestity and sugar and American society. I got these facts from a health website

I dont know. I am still working out my relationship with sugar.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Why Do People Do Things That Make Them Feel Bad?

Because it feels good in the moment and shitty after the fact.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Movies I need to See

I just felt like sharing a couple of movies I need to see. Movies that are on my mind.

1. Iron Man Two
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
3. Twilight: Eclipse
4. Gangs of New York
5. Princess and the Frog
6. Toy Story 3
7. Shrek...4?
8. Priceless
9. Alice in Wonderland

No particular order. Why havent I seen these movies? Shame on me.