ive been thinking about this idea that if i work hard enough i am owed recovery. i was thinking about how much bullshit that is. i am not owed recovery or peace or emotional stability. life owes me nothing. maybe i should stop trying so hard to be this person in my mind. maybe i am not her and will never be. maybe i will be unhappy for the rest of my life. these are all possibilities. actually it is more likely and statistically supported that i spend the rest of my life unhappy with mental illness and homeless. soooo. maybe i need to stop working against all these currents to ne something i am not. the problem is that giving up takes work too. everything takes work. everything but nonexisting. i wanted to finish reading tonight. women food and god. but for what? so i can just keep trying something else? whatever. this post is not a hopeful one. it is one filled with mispellings and grammatical errors becauase i am blogging from my phone. i owe you nothing. not even good grammar and spelling.