Thursday, May 27, 2010

When Your Not Like Everyone Else

I know this sounds crazy but I dont feel young anymore. I just graduated from college earlier this month with a degree in Social Work. I am not a graduate student (classes start June 7) and I just feel old. I think that this feeling happened way before I graduated. Maybe it started the end of 2008 or when I came back from study abroad. I am onlye 23 years old but I feel like I am an old woman.

When I wasa 18 I had much of the same interests that I have now but it was no way I could feel old because I was like 18 or 19. Now that I am 23 and I am getting more interested in things that are artisitc and fun (to me) I have been feeling like I am about to settle down with my cat and live forever. I now do ceramics. I go to a cultural center and I am sure that I am the youngest and I am also the only Black person in the room. Im in the process of learning how to sew. I paint. I love to cook. I love my cat. I love movies. I sit in bed and read. I dont go out to clubs and get shit faced and I hardly drink at all. I dont do drugs. Im way too responsible. Put on top of all this that I am a feminist and theres no questions to why I dont date.

I am just feeling like an old lady. And I was thinking about my feelings and trying to figure out how much of this is fear of responsibility and how much of it is just me being silly. But I dont know. I think has a lot to do with my identity. I know I am constantly talking about my identity this and my identity that but when you are me where I am, shit can be tough to manage. Theres not too many people like me roaming around here. And that makes for a lonely time. And it makes for a questioning time. I am fat and Black and I have locs and I love make-up but Im quirky and weird and I am into a lot of artsy stuff. Where do I fit in the world around me? Isnt that enough to make someone feel washed up?

I think about all the people who question themselves not only because they may not match the stereotypes and commonalities that come with their identity but because they also don't find a lot of people around them that can say the same thing. This is definetely not a whoa is me post. It is, however, a got damn shit mothafucker why do I feel so old fat and weird post. It just is. I don't know. What is this really about. Is this about dating? Is this about feeling like I am not who people want me to be?

Its all so complicated. Especially as a feminist. I understand the personal is political but sometimes it is hard for me to just ignore my feelings and concious because I know a though process or feeling is unfeminist or that just because I know the why of the wrongs means that I am just supposed to feel all cuddly and cute. It dont work like that. This is on my mind a lot.

I guess I am just transisitioning in life. I love that I am stepping into my skin more but the more I do it the more I get scared because I just dont know if my skin is good enough and I dont know if its gonna work. You know what I mean?

Just some thoughts on the shit in my head today.

1 comment:

Viajera said...

This is sure the piss you off (lol), but here goes: You're young. YOUNG!!! I'd KILL to be 23 again! Okay. That's a lie. :D

At 23 I was young and insecure and broke and unsure of where I was going in life and putting on weight (having ppl make stupid, insensitive comments about it 2) and just...lost. The only thing I was sure about was that I needed to get a "good job", whatever that was.

I dunno. It seems to me that the rest (emotional stability, confidence in self, freedom and ability to forge one's path...and CHANGE that path as one sees fit) come with time, at least for some people. That's how it was with me.

As to not being like everyone else... Think of yourself as a Basquait, a Bjork, a Tom Waits, a Goth, a "diamond of the first water"...

Some people may not "get" you, but as time passes you will "get" you more, and you will meet more people who have no problem with you Including a lover.


I suspect you're a late bloomer like me.

Next step may be to find some people with similar interests/ideas to hang out with.