I know this sounds crazy but I dont feel young anymore. I just graduated from college earlier this month with a degree in Social Work. I am not a graduate student (classes start June 7) and I just feel old. I think that this feeling happened way before I graduated. Maybe it started the end of 2008 or when I came back from study abroad. I am onlye 23 years old but I feel like I am an old woman.
When I wasa 18 I had much of the same interests that I have now but it was no way I could feel old because I was like 18 or 19. Now that I am 23 and I am getting more interested in things that are artisitc and fun (to me) I have been feeling like I am about to settle down with my cat and live forever. I now do ceramics. I go to a cultural center and I am sure that I am the youngest and I am also the only Black person in the room. Im in the process of learning how to sew. I paint. I love to cook. I love my cat. I love movies. I sit in bed and read. I dont go out to clubs and get shit faced and I hardly drink at all. I dont do drugs. Im way too responsible. Put on top of all this that I am a feminist and theres no questions to why I dont date.
I am just feeling like an old lady. And I was thinking about my feelings and trying to figure out how much of this is fear of responsibility and how much of it is just me being silly. But I dont know. I think has a lot to do with my identity. I know I am constantly talking about my identity this and my identity that but when you are me where I am, shit can be tough to manage. Theres not too many people like me roaming around here. And that makes for a lonely time. And it makes for a questioning time. I am fat and Black and I have locs and I love make-up but Im quirky and weird and I am into a lot of artsy stuff. Where do I fit in the world around me? Isnt that enough to make someone feel washed up?
I think about all the people who question themselves not only because they may not match the stereotypes and commonalities that come with their identity but because they also don't find a lot of people around them that can say the same thing. This is definetely not a whoa is me post. It is, however, a got damn shit mothafucker why do I feel so old fat and weird post. It just is. I don't know. What is this really about. Is this about dating? Is this about feeling like I am not who people want me to be?
Its all so complicated. Especially as a feminist. I understand the personal is political but sometimes it is hard for me to just ignore my feelings and concious because I know a though process or feeling is unfeminist or that just because I know the why of the wrongs means that I am just supposed to feel all cuddly and cute. It dont work like that. This is on my mind a lot.
I guess I am just transisitioning in life. I love that I am stepping into my skin more but the more I do it the more I get scared because I just dont know if my skin is good enough and I dont know if its gonna work. You know what I mean?
Just some thoughts on the shit in my head today.