Notes on Cable

Really.

I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...

I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.

Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.

What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.

Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.