I want to talk about Acceptance today. I feel like my all of my energy goes to two things. I am trying to accept myself and accept that I cannot control people, places or things. And I am also working on trying to get myself to some place where I am comfortable with who I am. And I know it seems like the two aren't compatible. And I actually understand this part about the Fat Acceptance movement. Well, to a point. I understand that you cannot say that you are accepting yourself how you are at the moment but then turn around and go on the Atkins diet. I get that. That's problematic. But I also want to make it clear that having BED and trying to work on "Fat Acceptance" does not always seem compatible. I cannot just say oh I accept the BED and lets move on. I actually do have to restrict something. That's the problem with BED. So. All of my energy is going towards accepting myself but it is also going towards being at a place where I am at peace. Being able to move past the BED and have a life where I am functionable and not wanting to jump out of my skin.
And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.
Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.
So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.