It is 2 in the morning and I still can't sleep. I don't know what it is really. Maybe my body refuses to completely adjust. I guess all I can do is go with the flow...
This week has been interesting. On Thursday night I went out with the international gang. And I really enjoyed myself. My friends know at home that I am not one to go out often. I was told by my friends one time I went out that sometimes I would have to leave my politics at home. I think this may be true! (And yes, they share most of the political views that I have). It is so hard for me to leave my politics out of anywhere! I am such a political person. And I kinda don't like to say political. I just believe in equality with such a fierceness. I don't think thats political. Well, we all know that it is. But it isnt. But I think their is a difference between being politically passionate and being politically annoying. Maybe theres not a difference, just a fine line. I don't mind crossing that fine line but I don't always want to be on the annoying side. I find myself wondering whether I should say what's on my mind or not. Sometimes I feel like I further "other" myself when I do so. If someone makes a comment and I find myself correcting them, it makes the atmosphere uncomfortable and theres always that eery silence. I think that silence is necessary but not all the time. When someone says..."Oh, that is a man's drink." and everyone laughs...is it my moment to say something? To bring up gender inequality? When someone says something is gay and the conversation goes on...is that my time to interject and correct them? When someone mentions America helping in WWII and how proud I should be...is that my time to mention the way Blacks were treated during this time?
It's those instances where the conversation isn't political but a comment is made and I just can't help myself. And then I get the silence. And lord knows I am a talker. Any progressive person has wondered these things. And I don't think theres any harm in choosing your battles, I think its the only way you can preserve your fire. I don't think any moment of education or correction is a waste, but I think people learn better in different ways and sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my breath by bringing up serious topics while people are trying to enjoy themselves! LOL. I am sorry, this all sounds so crazy because somewhere inside I am screaming ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT! But I don't know. Really. Sometimes I hate to be that lil informative gray cloud!
I guess I bring this up because when I go out...I can't help but to make certain observations. Race, class, gender, sexuality, etc. All of them. I don't drink much so its not like the alcohol affects my ability to analyze situations in a middle of loud club. lol. And I think its just who I am. I think I am that person that can't leave certain personality traits at home. But I cannot hang up my Blackness or my vagina and I cant leave my class or sexuality at home. So why leave my political opinions and perception of the world at home?
I just think its interesting that even though I am confident in my beliefs and who I am and who I am on the road to be....that I find myself questioning my place in social settings as well as my comments. But I guess I am not with my..umm...what is it...my...clique. I am with a group of people, from different countries. So no, it is not surprising that I am questioning. Questioning is always a good thing.
I will try to go to bed now.