Monday, April 27, 2009

Home Is A-Callin

That's home. I really like this picture for some reason.

I am scared about coming home. Well I should say that I just had a scared moment.

My life is comfortable here. Not in the way that I dont miss my friends and such. But it is a nice thing to be able to redefine myself. My biggest thing about being abroad is that I can be who I want to be at the moment and no one will challenge who I have been in the past.

I have always felt like long term friends and family can hold people back sometimes. When people have known you for such a long time they expect things of you. When you change, sometimes its challenged. "Well you used to do such and such, why you doing this now?" If I want to change something about my personality because I dont like it anymore or something that I do in my life is no longer functionable, its hard to change. Especially if it is something that is hard for you to stop. If I want to stop cursing or stop shopping as much or exercise more, or go to the movies more, or whatever and I have friends that do the opposite, it can be frustrating. Im just saying, when EVERYONE is new around you, its so easy to reinvent yourself.

Its been a great experience though. Because I have been given the opportunity to see what I dont like and what I do like. I am getting to know myself much better. Theres some things that I do, that are inherently ME and I love them sometimes and hate them sometimes but appreciate them. I am loud and obnoxious at times, I will always be a picky eater, I love to talk about politics but only to a certain point, I hate debating all the time, I need to listen more, I love to wear dresses, I like to take walks, I love eating fresh food, I dont like clubs, I like bars, I like cider (which I dont think they make in America..?), I love being affectionate with my friends and loved ones. I like these things. I want to be able to continue with them. So how in the hell am I going ot carry them all over to America without reverting to my old self? I can just stay firm in what I need from me and from other people. My needs are important too.

I was talking to my friend yesterday about the things that I will miss about England. Thats why this post is coming up. I just feel anxious. I dont want my old life. No, I dont. I just dont. I was at my wits end. I like to not be so stressed and not to be so stimulated. CALM does not always equal bored. Eating is not a hobby. I have been taking walks here more. I love to travel! I need to travel more in America. When I get extra cash, im hopping on the Greyhound! Maybe I will choose one place to go this summer. Even if its by myself. I have also learned that its okay to travel by myself. Not too long though, or I get bored.

So, this post doesnt really have a closing point. Its just rambling and such. I am sure I will be okay. My mom says I just need to be committed to doing whats best all the time and I think thats true. I will figure out how to transfer stuff from here to Akron.

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