Thursday, January 29, 2009

On Edge...oh this is long by the way...

I am incredibly irritated and on edge lately. I think it is for a lot of reasons. I am in a new environment. I am eating different foods. I am participating in different activities. All these things are supposed to happen as I study abroad. But apart of me is just irritated about it all, because. Just because. Because today, all I want is 3 tacos, a diet Pepsi and some Cinnamon twists from Taco Bell or a simply ass mandarin salad from Wendy's. That's all. But no, for dinner...I had a bag of fucking Doritos. Yup, Doritos. Because the food here is horrible. And I also refuse to sugarcoat this fact. An Englishman asked me today, "What do you think about English food." And yup, I told him what I thought. No sense in lying. He might have been offended but who gives a shit. Also, people go out drinking here EVERYDAY. I mean it, like, every day. It drives me insane. Mostly because I'm not much of a drinker. Never have been. I like the movies, and plays, and shopping and dinner. I do like to sit and talk and have a drink. But I do not like to have a drink every day at Pubs. I just don't. But I feel like the more I turn people down the more they will stop inviting me to places, so when I do want to go somewhere I will not be invited and I will feel a little left out. But if I say yes to every time I am asked to go out and drink I am going to be a drunk and have some breast problem. By the way, I was told by my doctor to limit, almost entirely stop drinking alcohol (and nuts) because I have been having breast pains. So yea, I don't want to be out drinking all the damn time.

SOOOOO. That was a lot of rambling. I seem to have a lot on my mind right now. I just feel out of touch with things. I don't feel in touch with home, or here, so I feel like I am somewhere in the Universe without being connected. It's weird. I'm always online, which is crazy. I wish I was at least reading a book instead of looking at shoes on websites. haha. I don't know. I'm just a little frazzled. I'm home sick. I think I will be for some time.

I had my third class today. Its called Being Bad and the teacher is from Wales. mm mm. Wales accent. I would hump him if he didn't smoke and if that wasn't creepy and a form of rape. But yea, I love accents from Wales. They almost sound Irish...is Wales by Ireland? I don't know. I met some cool people in that class. We did an exercise where everyone wrote down their worst secret and then it was put in a box and then everyone got another and read the worst out loud. Not the worst I suppose, but the most surprising. We spoke a lot about a secret about a girl or boy who slept with her/his boyfriends father! And its so crazy because we are just analyzing the shit out this secret and I think people forgot that the person was in the room. And another funny thing is that mine was shouted out! Ha. I aint tellin ya, it aint really a big secret. I think its hilarious. Everyone laughed like..this persons kooky. Haha.

I had another class yesterday called American Literature. I have to read this book called The House of Mirth. And its a book of manners and I know I am going to hate it. Really. I am. But whatever.

So my third class is called Representation and Cinema. Its about how different groups are represented in cinema. lol. So, I am just a tad annoyed about some things. One, all of the movies in the class are American. I mean, I may be wrong. But European movies do exist. Its just annoying. I almost feel like European think that American movies are naturally theirs because they speak English. And dare I admit that if that's the case, I am annoyed. I don't know, I just feel like their could have been ONE non-American movie on the damn list. So, we watched American Beauty. I love American Beauty. I like Kevin Spacey actually. But the discussion afterwards irritated me. Heres the problem with being an American in an American oriented (obviously, no damn European movies) class...you hear people incorrectly analyzing things. You want to correct them but you feel weird and then your a lil peeved by it because their so sure of themselves. That's how I felt in the move. But my biggest gripe, that I most certainly have to talk about right now is something the teacher made us discuss after the film: EMASCULATION.

My professor, a woman, kept going on and on about emasculation. Now, she has some books in the bibliography of our module guide and actually, some that we are suppose to read....that talk about feminist critique of cinema. So, she's read something about feminism. I didnt say anything because I had said too much in class and lord knows I am tired of being the girl in class that talks too much (as well as the only Black, but what was I expecting in Wolverhampton?). I just kept my mouth shut, which is hard for me. Real hard.

Let me break this down. Emasculation is: the loss of power and masculinity or to deprive of strength, vigor, or spirit (thanks Princeton and Websters!). Those are some academic definitions. The teacher kept talking about how Kevin Spaceys wife, Annette Benning, was emasculating. Emasculating this, emasculating that. How in the hell can I take someones masculinity away, because in most definitions it means to castrate, which means to take a mans balls away. Argh. But in the way people say it, it means to take someone gender away. To emasculate is to take away POWER. Princeton had it right: POWER. That's it. Because to be a male, is to have power. More power than women. My professor kept talking about how Annette Benning kept Kevin Spacey away from speaking and belittled him and made him invisible and like a child in the family. And usually when people talk about emasculation, they speak of women taking the maleness from men and exhibiting those qualities. Because, we all know...that's Annette Bennings place is to be quiet, invisible, like a child and in the background. Annette took Kevin Spacey's maleness from him which is the biggest crime that anyone can commit. Emasculation. The funniest thing is that theres no female equivalent. Right? Only women can take power away from men, men cant take power away from women. I just hate it when the words use, why cant we say that she took him humanness (yup, made it up) away from him. All humans deserve the right to be seen and heard and felt and apart of the family and they also deserve say. They deserve happiness. Why do these have to be male centered privileges? Why is that the word emasculate comes up every time a woman is too vocal or wants to take lead or make decisions. Shit, why does the word come up when woman are naggy and put down men and are degrading to men. That's still not emasculation. It has nothing to do with maleness and everything to do with humanity. I can really go on some more about this but I am not. This blog is already too long. But I would really like to put an end to the word emasculate (the gendered use of it). Its so funny...because my American Lit teacher talked about someone being emasculated by having his balls taken off...and I thought..oh...okay...Annette Benning being an asshole to Kevin Spacey is the equivalent to taking his balls off? And whats even more annoying is that I think her character cared nothing about maleness and femaleness and gender roles in the home more than she cared about perfection and wanting to sell houses. She was an obsessed suburban woman who was satisfied with nothing so try to control everything around her because she thought it would make her happy. She wasn't trying to steal Kevin Spacey's balls. Ack.

1 comment:

jessie said...

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