There are a lot of blogs. There are even blogs about having blogs. I can seriously find a blog dedicated to things that I never want to read on a blog. So why is it that there are not many blogs about Black women and depression. I am saying many because I do not want to say any. I can not say that I searched high and wide. I did search enough to find out that they are either outdated or just not there. I think that more Black women should blog about mental illess. More Black people in general.
People go to blogs in order to read individuals (or many individuals) perception, view, opinion, etc. of things. And someone who is Black and has a mental disorder needs to come out to talk about it, on a blog. I could say that the reason why I think there is a lack of this is because of the shame that comes with mental illess, let alone the shame that comes with mental illness in the Black community.
I would like to start a blog about experiencing mental illness and having experienced being around others with mental illness but how? And what am I doing with this blog. I do not want a blog to be all about how sad it is to have a mental illess. I would like it to be informative while being personal, open and honest. If I do not do one, I would like someone else to do one. This is something I should talk to my friends about doing. I think it is important. Just a thought for the night time I suppose.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
McShitty
I am having a McShitty day. I feel like shit. I hate feeling like shit, because when I feel crappy, the world can do no right. I am totally one of those people. But thats what depression does to you. It shades the way you look at the world. It makes the world gray. Everything seems like it is either stupid or too hard. And I just dont have the time for it. I knew how today was going to be when I woke up.
I woke up in one of those...oh shit moods. You know? When you just know that something deep inside is being attacked by something. It is a horrible feeling. And its almost unbearable. That is until you participate in some instant gratification which would be anythig that changes your mood quickly. That is how addictions start. Not for everyone of course. A lot of addictions start because people are curious but many addictions start because people need some relief. And I need some relief. It's a wonder I am not a crack head sometimes.
I have so much work to do. And I knew that I was feeling my old self again because I feel consumed by life instead of consuming life. Depression is seriously a bitch.
So, I am deleting my picture off of here. Only because I do not know who reads my page. And also, I do not want to be identifiable. I just want to not have a face. I mean, the truth is probably that no one comes by here. That I am probably just writing this for my own pleasure. But thats fine. You just never know.
I woke up in one of those...oh shit moods. You know? When you just know that something deep inside is being attacked by something. It is a horrible feeling. And its almost unbearable. That is until you participate in some instant gratification which would be anythig that changes your mood quickly. That is how addictions start. Not for everyone of course. A lot of addictions start because people are curious but many addictions start because people need some relief. And I need some relief. It's a wonder I am not a crack head sometimes.
I have so much work to do. And I knew that I was feeling my old self again because I feel consumed by life instead of consuming life. Depression is seriously a bitch.
So, I am deleting my picture off of here. Only because I do not know who reads my page. And also, I do not want to be identifiable. I just want to not have a face. I mean, the truth is probably that no one comes by here. That I am probably just writing this for my own pleasure. But thats fine. You just never know.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hey Hey Hey
Today I am restless. I just can not get any energy going on. Mainly energy for school. I just get online and bullshit. I am not sure why. It is just an easy thing to do when you are bored. I hate it when I just come online and become obsessed with looking at all of these gossip and fashion blogs. What does it really do for anyone to stay on Jezebel or YBF or anything else all day? Nothing at all. And yet, I still do it.
So, I am making a committment to stay off of the internet all weekend. Unless it is on my school website, which is where I need to be so I can complete this work. Otherwise, I need not be on the internet. I hope that I am able to finish just a little bit of homework tonight so that I can relax more tomorrow. But I doubt it. I will probably have to work tomorrow anyways.
I am at least very glad that the weather is awesome! I hope anyone out there who might be reading my blog has a good day. :o)
So, I am making a committment to stay off of the internet all weekend. Unless it is on my school website, which is where I need to be so I can complete this work. Otherwise, I need not be on the internet. I hope that I am able to finish just a little bit of homework tonight so that I can relax more tomorrow. But I doubt it. I will probably have to work tomorrow anyways.
I am at least very glad that the weather is awesome! I hope anyone out there who might be reading my blog has a good day. :o)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Trying New Things
Why don't I just learn to sew? I do not get it. It's like I am just stalling. I have a used sewing machine. I have a dress to make. I have power. I mean, I have everything I need. I just can't begin the process. I need some kind of learning how to sew DVD. How in the heck am I going to find a dvd that teaches plus size gals who hate math how to sew?! Agh. And the picture above is even annoying me. Where are the pattern pictures of fat Black women! huh huh huh? Yea. Thought so.
I will begin. Seriously. I can't just fail at this. Or maybe that is why I havent even started it yet. Maybe I dont want to fail so I havent started. That is my goal this weekend. To just stitch a stitch. Although, I think I may be getting sick..
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Acceptance
I want to talk about Acceptance today. I feel like my all of my energy goes to two things. I am trying to accept myself and accept that I cannot control people, places or things. And I am also working on trying to get myself to some place where I am comfortable with who I am. And I know it seems like the two aren't compatible. And I actually understand this part about the Fat Acceptance movement. Well, to a point. I understand that you cannot say that you are accepting yourself how you are at the moment but then turn around and go on the Atkins diet. I get that. That's problematic. But I also want to make it clear that having BED and trying to work on "Fat Acceptance" does not always seem compatible. I cannot just say oh I accept the BED and lets move on. I actually do have to restrict something. That's the problem with BED. So. All of my energy is going towards accepting myself but it is also going towards being at a place where I am at peace. Being able to move past the BED and have a life where I am functionable and not wanting to jump out of my skin.
And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.
Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.
So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.
And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.
Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.
So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Notes on Cable
Really.
I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...
I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.
Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.
What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.
Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.
I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...
I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.
Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.
What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.
Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Hey Hey Hey
So. This is a post for someone who said I should keep posting. lol. :o)
I have not been back here. And I pretty much doubted that anyone would come back to my blog since I have been home. I guess I was keeping in mind that my blog was for people who missed me while I studies abroad or who were interested in studying abroad.
I would love to write that since I have been back my life has been wonderful. But unfortunately that is not true. Actually, life kind of sucks at this very moment. I came back and everything was fine for a while but then it hit me...responsibility. Agh. So to keep it short I will just say that I procrastinated taking the GRE, which I didn't do well on because I also didn't study. And I haven't applied to grad school yet. I would really love to go back to Europe actually. I am looking for some French Immersion Schools. I think that is what they are called. I would like to go learn French. And then I could just come back and apply to a Women's Studies PhD Program. But at this moment I can't even finish the last assignment for my last class. I think I am burned out. And I had too much fun studying abroad that I am bored. Going back to school in Europe or working for a while would be grand. We shall see.
So I am just kinda hanging around. I am doing my internship for my social work major. I work with pregnant teens. Which is very interesting. I have one more semester left and then I am an adult. Agh. That is so scary. Even if I go back to school I will consider myself an adult. And it is not that I consider myself a child now. I just feel like once you have that first degree, your not a "student." Even if you are a student because you are going back for a Master's or a Phd. I just think that once I have my BASW I cannot think of myself of some cook hip kid anymore. I am just kinda of an old fart. ha. That is what happens once I get that degree in my hand. They hand me a degree and dentures.
I think that I will end up talking about my last year on this blog. And some responsibilities that come with graduating and preparing for graduation. I mean, if I am going to procrastinate, I mind as well do it blogging. Even if no one comes here I can still write.
I will probably also talk about some fat acceptance stuff, HAES, feminism, black feminism, travel, displacement, mental illness and such. Who knows. I guess I will have a variety blog. Hopefully I will keep to my word and come back to write. I kinda said I would "come back later" to write in May. And it's December. Can you freakin believe it is going to be freakin 2010!
I have not been back here. And I pretty much doubted that anyone would come back to my blog since I have been home. I guess I was keeping in mind that my blog was for people who missed me while I studies abroad or who were interested in studying abroad.
I would love to write that since I have been back my life has been wonderful. But unfortunately that is not true. Actually, life kind of sucks at this very moment. I came back and everything was fine for a while but then it hit me...responsibility. Agh. So to keep it short I will just say that I procrastinated taking the GRE, which I didn't do well on because I also didn't study. And I haven't applied to grad school yet. I would really love to go back to Europe actually. I am looking for some French Immersion Schools. I think that is what they are called. I would like to go learn French. And then I could just come back and apply to a Women's Studies PhD Program. But at this moment I can't even finish the last assignment for my last class. I think I am burned out. And I had too much fun studying abroad that I am bored. Going back to school in Europe or working for a while would be grand. We shall see.
So I am just kinda hanging around. I am doing my internship for my social work major. I work with pregnant teens. Which is very interesting. I have one more semester left and then I am an adult. Agh. That is so scary. Even if I go back to school I will consider myself an adult. And it is not that I consider myself a child now. I just feel like once you have that first degree, your not a "student." Even if you are a student because you are going back for a Master's or a Phd. I just think that once I have my BASW I cannot think of myself of some cook hip kid anymore. I am just kinda of an old fart. ha. That is what happens once I get that degree in my hand. They hand me a degree and dentures.
I think that I will end up talking about my last year on this blog. And some responsibilities that come with graduating and preparing for graduation. I mean, if I am going to procrastinate, I mind as well do it blogging. Even if no one comes here I can still write.
I will probably also talk about some fat acceptance stuff, HAES, feminism, black feminism, travel, displacement, mental illness and such. Who knows. I guess I will have a variety blog. Hopefully I will keep to my word and come back to write. I kinda said I would "come back later" to write in May. And it's December. Can you freakin believe it is going to be freakin 2010!
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