Trying New Things

Why don't I just learn to sew? I do not get it. It's like I am just stalling. I have a used sewing machine. I have a dress to make. I have power. I mean, I have everything I need. I just can't begin the process. I need some kind of learning how to sew DVD. How in the heck am I going to find a dvd that teaches plus size gals who hate math how to sew?! Agh. And the picture above is even annoying me. Where are the pattern pictures of fat Black women! huh huh huh? Yea. Thought so.

I will begin. Seriously. I can't just fail at this. Or maybe that is why I havent even started it yet. Maybe I dont want to fail so I havent started. That is my goal this weekend. To just stitch a stitch. Although, I think I may be getting sick..

Acceptance

I want to talk about Acceptance today. I feel like my all of my energy goes to two things. I am trying to accept myself and accept that I cannot control people, places or things. And I am also working on trying to get myself to some place where I am comfortable with who I am. And I know it seems like the two aren't compatible. And I actually understand this part about the Fat Acceptance movement. Well, to a point. I understand that you cannot say that you are accepting yourself how you are at the moment but then turn around and go on the Atkins diet. I get that. That's problematic. But I also want to make it clear that having BED and trying to work on "Fat Acceptance" does not always seem compatible. I cannot just say oh I accept the BED and lets move on. I actually do have to restrict something. That's the problem with BED. So. All of my energy is going towards accepting myself but it is also going towards being at a place where I am at peace. Being able to move past the BED and have a life where I am functionable and not wanting to jump out of my skin.

And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.

Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.

So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.

Notes on Cable

Really.

I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...

I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.

Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.

What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.

Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.