Give Me A Break

I think that I need a break. I know I have one coming but it might now be coming fast enough. I will have one week before school starts. I have no plans, no appointments, and no dates made for that week. I literally plan on doing what I want and when I want to for that entire week. I hope to goodness that does not involve me driving myself crazy. I can drive myself crazy in all kinds of ways. I can shop too much, eat too much, stress or obsess too much, the list is pretty long. But I am refusing to do all of those things.

Speaking of shopping too much. I have been doing so. I just bought this dress:

I tell you that I am in love. It ties in the back. I think that I will wear it for the first day of classes. This dress is absolutely fabulous to me and I plan on looking absolutely fabulous in it.

I also bought some black boots and a pair of brown shoes from DSW yesterday. I am excited to wear those this fall.

Anyway. I have to go. I need to complete this chapter of work.

Today

Today I am having a good day. I am getting things done and I seem to be okay. I have been thinking about not having a car a lot but I have been okay.

I always share when I feel shitty. I wanted to share being good! :o)

life owes you nothing

ive been thinking about this idea that if i work hard enough i am owed recovery. i was thinking about how much bullshit that is. i am not owed recovery or peace or emotional stability. life owes me nothing. maybe i should stop trying so hard to be this person in my mind. maybe i am not her and will never be. maybe i will be unhappy for the rest of my life. these are all possibilities. actually it is more likely and statistically supported that i spend the rest of my life unhappy with mental illness and homeless. soooo. maybe i need to stop working against all these currents to ne something i am not. the problem is that giving up takes work too. everything takes work. everything but nonexisting. i wanted to finish reading tonight. women food and god. but for what? so i can just keep trying something else? whatever. this post is not a hopeful one. it is one filled with mispellings and grammatical errors becauase i am blogging from my phone. i owe you nothing. not even good grammar and spelling.

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nails nails nails

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lunch

subway

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Yup

I was just thinking about how I put cucumbers and tomatoes on my sandwich from subway. What I was thinking was that it was tasty. And I was thinking about how I have a spinach and almond salad for lunch and how redundant was that because I put spinach on my salad. Then I had to laugh at myself because the amount of corn I consume is ridiculous. And I do not know how many times I have had some crappy ass hashbrown for breakfast with a McDonalds sandwhich, then fries and a sandwich for lunch and then like fries for dinner or mashed potatoes or whatever. God forbid I eat spinach twice a day.

I was also thinking about how I would have to do this forever. It sucks but that is still my mental state. When I think of not binging and not consuming more than I need to and eating less sugar and adding veggies to every meal I get sad. Like I have some death warrant, when really the death warrant is the way I am eating now. It doesn't matter if I never loss weight, I need to eat differently for my health. That is what is hard to deal with. I know that I will have to actually have to separate weight and health. Will I lose weight? Yes. And should I? Yes. But really, if something happened where I never lost this weight and I had to eat differently so not to get diabetes and high blood pressure and stuff, I think fuck it. That is what is sad. That's why I know I need to love myself enough to do better for me no matter the results of my body size. Its a tricky situation.

Blogging What I Eat

I want to start blogging some of the things I eat. I love the blog katheats.com. I don't think I want to do this as a..eat what I eat and lose weight kind of thing. I just like to share what I eat. I think that it will help me cook more pretty things. lol. And eat prettier things. Or whatever. I was going to blog about needing to eat more fruits and veggies (because I do) but now I want to check out my new android app that will help me blog my food. We shall see how this goes.