When Your Not Like Everyone Else

I know this sounds crazy but I dont feel young anymore. I just graduated from college earlier this month with a degree in Social Work. I am not a graduate student (classes start June 7) and I just feel old. I think that this feeling happened way before I graduated. Maybe it started the end of 2008 or when I came back from study abroad. I am onlye 23 years old but I feel like I am an old woman.

When I wasa 18 I had much of the same interests that I have now but it was no way I could feel old because I was like 18 or 19. Now that I am 23 and I am getting more interested in things that are artisitc and fun (to me) I have been feeling like I am about to settle down with my cat and live forever. I now do ceramics. I go to a cultural center and I am sure that I am the youngest and I am also the only Black person in the room. Im in the process of learning how to sew. I paint. I love to cook. I love my cat. I love movies. I sit in bed and read. I dont go out to clubs and get shit faced and I hardly drink at all. I dont do drugs. Im way too responsible. Put on top of all this that I am a feminist and theres no questions to why I dont date.

I am just feeling like an old lady. And I was thinking about my feelings and trying to figure out how much of this is fear of responsibility and how much of it is just me being silly. But I dont know. I think has a lot to do with my identity. I know I am constantly talking about my identity this and my identity that but when you are me where I am, shit can be tough to manage. Theres not too many people like me roaming around here. And that makes for a lonely time. And it makes for a questioning time. I am fat and Black and I have locs and I love make-up but Im quirky and weird and I am into a lot of artsy stuff. Where do I fit in the world around me? Isnt that enough to make someone feel washed up?

I think about all the people who question themselves not only because they may not match the stereotypes and commonalities that come with their identity but because they also don't find a lot of people around them that can say the same thing. This is definetely not a whoa is me post. It is, however, a got damn shit mothafucker why do I feel so old fat and weird post. It just is. I don't know. What is this really about. Is this about dating? Is this about feeling like I am not who people want me to be?

Its all so complicated. Especially as a feminist. I understand the personal is political but sometimes it is hard for me to just ignore my feelings and concious because I know a though process or feeling is unfeminist or that just because I know the why of the wrongs means that I am just supposed to feel all cuddly and cute. It dont work like that. This is on my mind a lot.

I guess I am just transisitioning in life. I love that I am stepping into my skin more but the more I do it the more I get scared because I just dont know if my skin is good enough and I dont know if its gonna work. You know what I mean?

Just some thoughts on the shit in my head today.

So Late

I know. I have been so late with my responses. Sorry people. Very sorry.

And by people, of course I mean like 2 or 3. lol. But still. Yea.

So, I am in this phase of the summer where I do not have much to do. But for some reason I can't get excited about doing much of anything either. I hate to even admit this but I have not been to the movies in about 2 months. I do not know if it is my anti-depressants or if it is just me but I am not doing what I usually do. I mean, lord knows I am a movie fanatic and here I am sitting about not even thinking about movies. I know that I would have already seen Robin Hood and Iron Man II. I would have known when Twilight was coming out (Yes, I go to see the movies. I have never read the books though). I dont know. I just feel like I am so behind with everything.

I wish I was a bit more apart of the world. Thats exactly how I feel. I have to study for my test tonight and I really dont feel like doing that. Blah. Blah. Blah. And its raining. Blah. I know. I am just complaining. This is obviously a post of complaints.

I need to go. I think I might see Iron Man 2.

Why Oprah is out of touch

Because on her show (I do not know when it aired) when she was showing off the ipad, she had the audacity to say....

This is going to change the way kids will learn.

Or something to that affect. Its like...really? Maybe she should have said...this is the way middle and upper class children will learn. The kids who are struggling in the hood will continue to do so.

Tis All

I think I am Done

I have a resentment. I want to talk about it because I just need to.

I am resentful at The Fat Acceptance movement. Why you ask?

It is way too simplistic. And it appears to think that any weight gain is a natural weight gain. I say this because whenever people talk about gaining weight when it conerns fat acceptance, the response is that your body is doing what it is meant to do. The idea of restricting food is horrible because it is a "diet" and not accepting your body. And if you lose weight, well your certain to gain it back. I am just so confused by this movement and therefore I give up.

The other part of the movement I already believed it. Fat is not a moral issue (My ed tells me other wise but the intellectual me knows better. Too bad the intellectual me doesnt run my life) and fat people should not be discriminated against. Also, people shouldnt assume fat people are unhealthy and that fat people are fat because of their diet.

My issue is that I think the fat acceptance movement doesnt want to admit that some fat people ARE fat because of their diet and have a RIGHT to decide that they do not want to be that way (or do want to be that way). My other issue is that the fat acceptance movement screams that fatness is complex and that studies need more research but then on the other side they seem to know it all when it comes to fat people who want to lose weight and how they will for certain gain it back and how few people can do this and also that fat does not cause any health issues.

I just have a problem with the fat acceptance movement when it relates to having an eating disorder because no one wants to talk about how some of these beliefs can harm people with eating disorders, like not trying to change your weight.

That being said, overall, I dont believe that the movement is "dangerous." Thats bullshit. I think that depending on who you are, if you have an eating disorder and etc, it can confuse you.

I am done with my rant. Have I ranted on this subject before? I think so.

My Life Feels Like A Pot of Hot Mess

Hello,
So, yes, I am graduating soon. This makes for excitement but it also makes for nausea. I applied for the Master's program at my school and I received the letter so late that they had to put me on a waiting list for Work Study. I need my work study to live off of this summer.

My rent will be due at the end of May. And I have but a slice of pie in the savings as we speak. I am late on my phone bill, close on my credit card bill and cannot believe I will make my cable bill (which I know I can get rid of but I am waiting on TrueBlood and Dexter. Damn Damn Damn).

I have two things due in classes, oh wait. No, 3. One of them is super duper important. I can not seem to get anything finished because of my attention span and some emotional crap going on.

I am going through a bunch of emotional crap. That always makes everything seem so sucky. I just want to not be freaking out about all of these things. Oh, and I have appointments coming up which I need off of work for, I forgot my dentist appointment would make me not go to my therapy appointment but as I said above, that's kind of needed right now.

So, yea. This is why my life seems a hot mess right now. But I know that it could always be worse. I could be on the street or without shelter or food and that is not what it is right now. The fact that I can even have a savings account and checking account no matter what is in them is a blessing. Through all my ranting and raving I have to realize how much I am blessed and how I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, OR THINGS. Everything will work out how it would work out and I have to do things one step at a time. I guess I will begin to work on my school work now.

Peace and Love

Complexities

I was just half reading an article on Jezebel. It was about the politics of fuckability (Wow, would that not be a fantastic thesis?).

I want to talk about this because I understand it. I get it. I get the issue. But most importantly, I understand being on the non-fuckability side of it.

I think when you talk about being overweight it makes the conversation different but when you add being a minority it makes it even more interesting. I am a Black woman. Being a Black woman alone takes away some of my fuckability in society. But I am a plus size Black woman, who is brown skinned (not light skinned), plus sized and has locs (and has had natural hair since high school).

To me this is all about the politics of invisibility. It is about the fact that once you are not fuckable, you are invisible. I have been invisible in this society for a long time. And I guess I want to say it gets tiring. But when I go on Jezebel and see the comments of other women who have the same issues, it makes me feel like I and so many other people can relate. I do not want this to exist. And the politics of it is complex. Being a feminist and all, I should not want to be objectified. I do not want to be objectified. But this is not the issue.

It is an issue of not being seen.

So I wanted to talk about that for a bit. I guess I will move on. Go do some other stuff today.

A Space

I was thinking last night about "my progress." I was thinking about my progress concerning my eating disorder, my depression and anxiety, the grieving process of my trauma, my education, and my developing of healthy relationships. I am always in change mode. Below I talked about feeling like I am shedding an old me which is true and good. But the kind of change that I am talking about in the entry has everything to do with not being okay as I am.

What I mean is that, I am perpetually under construction. I never feel like I am who I am at the moment. I am always "waiting" to be someone else. It can be such a fucking cop out. And I think that is why it is so hard for me to accept myself. I feel like I dont want to be who I am now so why would I accept that person when I am in the process of changing her.

It is so hard for me to say that but it is true. And the problem is that I have to accept myself right now. I am wasting my present on the future and the past and not doing so is the hardest thing to do.

I just want to be okay in the present, ya know? And I think that everyone does. But they get so stuck in wanting to change themselves "for the better" that they neglect themselves at the now.

So I just wanted to say that. I am struggling today. My medication is making me sick. Literally and figurtively. You would think that anti-depressants and anxiety medication would be more simple. It isn't.

So, I think I have been sharing a lot on here. I dont care. I probably should. Hopefully none of my employers or co-workers find this website and then find out who I am. That would be crazy.

I will probably post later as well. I just needed a space to talk for a minute.