Another Phase

I believe I am in another phase in my life.

It is okay. I am okay with it. I am coming into another self. I feel like I am shedding another part of me. I know this because it hurts. And I think it is something to take Joy in. I think everyone should take joy in change. The thing is that it is hard to figure out what you want to stay and what you want to go, when it comes to who you are. I am constantly changing, and I used to think that this was something to be ashamed of or something that was wrong. But now I think I embrace it. I try to figure out what part of me is hurting, what is changing and how I will come out on the other side.

Right now I am having to re-evaluate friendship, what friendship means to me and the support I need from loved ones. Everyone should do this. Not just friendships but relationships with lovers and family members. People become stuck in relationships and friendships that they do not want or need or that do not fulfill what they think they should.

I think that it is also important to be okay with self. To be okay with the quiet that comes with being in solitude and understanding the difference between being lonely and being in solitude with self. I have had problems with both and I want to come to terms with one. There is no reason I or anyone else should be lonely but there is a reason to be in solitude whether you are forced into it or you have to carve that solitude out for yourself. Solitude is necessary to understand yourself better and get a grip on what is important in your life and how you are going to move your life and the relationships in it to a place where you get what you need.

So, I guess all of that is what I felt like saying in this post. I am currently listening to Jill Scott's "Hear My Call" and it brings something forth in me that is so strong and so real. I love that I can feel that. The last time I felt this way when I first heard a song was Jill's. She does it for me. There is something so real in her voice.

Oh and Erykah. Which yalls should go get.

Oh and I dont feel like proofing this. So this is the real thing today.

Graduation Party

Today was a fun day. I went out to eat with my parents right after me and my mom went shopping for my graduation party stuff.

I am so excited to be graduating. I mean, golly. It is exciting. I have spent forever in school and now I get to have a degree. A part of me does not want to go to graduate school. A part of me would like to get a job and just work and pay off my loans and get 2 more cats and live in a nice apartment. But no, I shall live in my crappy but lovely apartment while I am receiving my Master's degree.

So, I was feeling all great today and now I am back to feeling a tad crappy. I hate it when it feels like there is nothing to do. I wish I could go to the movies and just blow off all of my work but the problem is that that is what I have been doing.

The funny thing is that I titled this Graduation Party because I was going to talk about my graduation party but now I don't feel like getting into it. Just know that it is super exciting to know that I will have a room full of people that support me and have cards and gifts and eat and just have fun. OOOHH. Maybe I will get to go to the movies afterwards.

Well, I suppose that is it.

Is Sugar Crack?

No really.

I am being serious. Google sugar and digestion. It is very creepy. Instead of getting a ton of websites that simply describe the digestion of sugar, they talk about sugar as a drug.

Now, I am an ex-OA'er and I have my issues with sugar. I do. I need to find some peace. Which is why I wanted to search how it is digested in the body so I could have my own understanding of the effect of sugar. Even when searching this information unbiased..ly...I found that sugar really is bad news. No, really. Sugar is bad news. Refined sugar I should say. To make a long long story short, sugar is empty of the vitimans and nutrients that is in cane juice or honey. Refined sugar is empty empty and it does a lot of shit to your kidneys in order to consume it. It is just interesting I tell you. Really.

So, I wanted to share this. I just totally ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and am feeling sick to my stomach. Not only because I am lactose intolerant (and when I say I am, I mean it. The indegestion is fast and serious) but I am having a little bit of a sugar rush before bed. Crazy. And I will crash. I will crash and what will happen? Will I be sleep? I always have crappy sleep when I eat sugar before I go to bed.

I am just saying. Sugar needs to be investigated.

Black Women and Depression

There are a lot of blogs. There are even blogs about having blogs. I can seriously find a blog dedicated to things that I never want to read on a blog. So why is it that there are not many blogs about Black women and depression. I am saying many because I do not want to say any. I can not say that I searched high and wide. I did search enough to find out that they are either outdated or just not there. I think that more Black women should blog about mental illess. More Black people in general.

People go to blogs in order to read individuals (or many individuals) perception, view, opinion, etc. of things. And someone who is Black and has a mental disorder needs to come out to talk about it, on a blog. I could say that the reason why I think there is a lack of this is because of the shame that comes with mental illess, let alone the shame that comes with mental illness in the Black community.

I would like to start a blog about experiencing mental illness and having experienced being around others with mental illness but how? And what am I doing with this blog. I do not want a blog to be all about how sad it is to have a mental illess. I would like it to be informative while being personal, open and honest. If I do not do one, I would like someone else to do one. This is something I should talk to my friends about doing. I think it is important. Just a thought for the night time I suppose.

McShitty

I am having a McShitty day. I feel like shit. I hate feeling like shit, because when I feel crappy, the world can do no right. I am totally one of those people. But thats what depression does to you. It shades the way you look at the world. It makes the world gray. Everything seems like it is either stupid or too hard. And I just dont have the time for it. I knew how today was going to be when I woke up.

I woke up in one of those...oh shit moods. You know? When you just know that something deep inside is being attacked by something. It is a horrible feeling. And its almost unbearable. That is until you participate in some instant gratification which would be anythig that changes your mood quickly. That is how addictions start. Not for everyone of course. A lot of addictions start because people are curious but many addictions start because people need some relief. And I need some relief. It's a wonder I am not a crack head sometimes.

I have so much work to do. And I knew that I was feeling my old self again because I feel consumed by life instead of consuming life. Depression is seriously a bitch.

So, I am deleting my picture off of here. Only because I do not know who reads my page. And also, I do not want to be identifiable. I just want to not have a face. I mean, the truth is probably that no one comes by here. That I am probably just writing this for my own pleasure. But thats fine. You just never know.

Hey Hey Hey

Today I am restless. I just can not get any energy going on. Mainly energy for school. I just get online and bullshit. I am not sure why. It is just an easy thing to do when you are bored. I hate it when I just come online and become obsessed with looking at all of these gossip and fashion blogs. What does it really do for anyone to stay on Jezebel or YBF or anything else all day? Nothing at all. And yet, I still do it.

So, I am making a committment to stay off of the internet all weekend. Unless it is on my school website, which is where I need to be so I can complete this work. Otherwise, I need not be on the internet. I hope that I am able to finish just a little bit of homework tonight so that I can relax more tomorrow. But I doubt it. I will probably have to work tomorrow anyways.

I am at least very glad that the weather is awesome! I hope anyone out there who might be reading my blog has a good day. :o)

Trying New Things

Why don't I just learn to sew? I do not get it. It's like I am just stalling. I have a used sewing machine. I have a dress to make. I have power. I mean, I have everything I need. I just can't begin the process. I need some kind of learning how to sew DVD. How in the heck am I going to find a dvd that teaches plus size gals who hate math how to sew?! Agh. And the picture above is even annoying me. Where are the pattern pictures of fat Black women! huh huh huh? Yea. Thought so.

I will begin. Seriously. I can't just fail at this. Or maybe that is why I havent even started it yet. Maybe I dont want to fail so I havent started. That is my goal this weekend. To just stitch a stitch. Although, I think I may be getting sick..