Acceptance

I want to talk about Acceptance today. I feel like my all of my energy goes to two things. I am trying to accept myself and accept that I cannot control people, places or things. And I am also working on trying to get myself to some place where I am comfortable with who I am. And I know it seems like the two aren't compatible. And I actually understand this part about the Fat Acceptance movement. Well, to a point. I understand that you cannot say that you are accepting yourself how you are at the moment but then turn around and go on the Atkins diet. I get that. That's problematic. But I also want to make it clear that having BED and trying to work on "Fat Acceptance" does not always seem compatible. I cannot just say oh I accept the BED and lets move on. I actually do have to restrict something. That's the problem with BED. So. All of my energy is going towards accepting myself but it is also going towards being at a place where I am at peace. Being able to move past the BED and have a life where I am functionable and not wanting to jump out of my skin.

And I am trying but...acceptance is a bitch. Especially as a Black Woman. A fat Black woman. A feminist Black fat Woman. Yes. It is. For me at least. And being a feminist has moved me to the place where I am now. I have had so much progress. But let's not bullshit. I still live in the world. I dont live in a feminist utopia. I have to go to school. I see commercials and billboards. I talk to people. I overhear conversations. I go shopping. I go out to eat. Yadda Yadda. And all that acceptance bullshit (which isnt bullshit) goes out the window when I actually feel like exactly what I am in this society. Which is INVISIBLE.

Of course. I would be invisible if I were not fat. I am a Black woman. And it's harder that I am a feminist Black woman. I am more than invisible now. I used to feel invisible. But now I know it is more than that. There is a value that goes with being invisible and it is no value at all. And I say this not to say poor oh me. Poor ole Black women. Poor ole Black woman self. I say this because it makes the acceptance harder. Just like it makes acceptance harder when you are any minority in this society. I can love myself all day long when I am by myself but once I go out into the world I am stamped. We are all stamped when we leave our households. It just so happens that my stamp says INVISIBLE/NO VALUE. And my feminist self would like to say that I am so strong that I do not deal with these feelings. My feminist self would like to say that I am so instilled with Audre and Alice and Toni and Cheryl and Patricia and Gloria and Maya that I do not even feel this when I go out in the world. That my label slips off of me like butter. That I have a shield of womanism around me. That I am able to bounce from this on a daily basis. But this is just not the truth.

So, yes. Today's entry is about how hard it is to go out the door every day and have that label slapped on my back and not in some way internalize it or let it fuck up my recovery and my sense of acceptance. So I felt like sharing, even though it is hard. Like Audre says, my silence will not protect me.

Notes on Cable

Really.

I dont know why. I have been really tired for the last past week. It just seems like I cant get up and move. I want to accomplish a whole bunch but I just cant seem to. I am not sad. I am just plainly tired. That is all. I am going to be in Vagina Monologues this year. YAYYYY. I absolutely love VA. I think that it is for such a great cause and it is super fun. What else can you ask for? So, I know that is why I am tired today. But I haven't wanted to do anything for the last past week. I may know what has affected my energy...

I got cable. Yes. I. I got cable. I got cable cable too. I have HBO and SHOWTIME and all that good stuff. I havent been watching it toooo much but I have been watching tv more than I am used to. I got it because I wanted to watch Dexter on demand. But they just took it off. Which pissed me off. But anyways. I had thought that I would take the box back so I wouldnt have cable again and then I would get it again in the fall. But I dont know if I want to. The crazy thing is that I can't really afford cable. No, really. I can't. I have spent 5 years on my own without cable. And then one day, a week before my birthday, I decided I "deserved" cable. What is it with "deserving?" I really want to talk about this.

Why is it that when we want something. When I want something. I tend to say "I deserve." As if those two words actually make it okay for me to do whatever it is I want to do or eat or buy whatever it is that I want to eat or buy. I have a really big problem with entitlement. No one deserves anything. This world owes no one anything other than death. So why is it that I think it is okay for me to get cable because I have been without for 5 years and I wanted to watch a show. That makes me deserving of something I cant afford? That same mind set is what got me in credit card debt. I deserve this coat. I deserve to go out to eat. Blah blah. The only thing I should have coming to me is the shit I work for. I get what I work for. I don't think deserving comes into it.

What about people who go without daily necessities. I certainly believe they deserve water, soap, food, shelter, etc. more than I deserve to see some blood splatter guy kill criminals on tv. And how productive is that anyways.

Speaking of, something changes you when you have cable. I feel like I have too many options. I do. I feel like I have way too many options and no time. And I feel like I should be spending more time reading or something. But now I dont want to get rid of the cable because I have DVR. Damn DVR. My goal in life is not to be controlled by my desires. I do think I will keep cable because I just want it. Who am I kidding. But I will not become a victim to cable. Seriously.

Hey Hey Hey

So. This is a post for someone who said I should keep posting. lol. :o)

I have not been back here. And I pretty much doubted that anyone would come back to my blog since I have been home. I guess I was keeping in mind that my blog was for people who missed me while I studies abroad or who were interested in studying abroad.

I would love to write that since I have been back my life has been wonderful. But unfortunately that is not true. Actually, life kind of sucks at this very moment. I came back and everything was fine for a while but then it hit me...responsibility. Agh. So to keep it short I will just say that I procrastinated taking the GRE, which I didn't do well on because I also didn't study. And I haven't applied to grad school yet. I would really love to go back to Europe actually. I am looking for some French Immersion Schools. I think that is what they are called. I would like to go learn French. And then I could just come back and apply to a Women's Studies PhD Program. But at this moment I can't even finish the last assignment for my last class. I think I am burned out. And I had too much fun studying abroad that I am bored. Going back to school in Europe or working for a while would be grand. We shall see.

So I am just kinda hanging around. I am doing my internship for my social work major. I work with pregnant teens. Which is very interesting. I have one more semester left and then I am an adult. Agh. That is so scary. Even if I go back to school I will consider myself an adult. And it is not that I consider myself a child now. I just feel like once you have that first degree, your not a "student." Even if you are a student because you are going back for a Master's or a Phd. I just think that once I have my BASW I cannot think of myself of some cook hip kid anymore. I am just kinda of an old fart. ha. That is what happens once I get that degree in my hand. They hand me a degree and dentures.

I think that I will end up talking about my last year on this blog. And some responsibilities that come with graduating and preparing for graduation. I mean, if I am going to procrastinate, I mind as well do it blogging. Even if no one comes here I can still write.

I will probably also talk about some fat acceptance stuff, HAES, feminism, black feminism, travel, displacement, mental illness and such. Who knows. I guess I will have a variety blog. Hopefully I will keep to my word and come back to write. I kinda said I would "come back later" to write in May. And it's December. Can you freakin believe it is going to be freakin 2010!

Im Home

Thats all. I am not having the best time being back home. I got food poisoning and I am already feeling bogged down by negativity. Blah blah blah. Blah. But whatever.

I start summer school late this month. So yay.

I will write more later.

Misc

I have one more exam left. I am a little tired. I am tired and I am sad as well. I dont know if its the rain or what but I just feel so lethargic and like not doing anything. It's rough because I have 4 journal articles to read and some googling to do and some refreshing of powerpoints. All that for my exam tomorrow which I still won't be prepared for. But I am not sweating it that much. It is the most important exam that I have to do because the class is to finish my women's studies minor but I will just have to bit the bullet and take another class if I fail. I pray to God I dont, but who wants to stress?

I went to a BBQ today with everyone. It was so fun. I will seriously miss these people. It is so nice to just have the fun the way I have while I have been here. Constantly meeting people and such. I just cannot believe that I will be gone and back to Akron. I am so scared that I will get my old life back. I do not want my old life. I will die if I have it. I just can't do it. I have to just live one day at a time, no stress, no negativity, and just meet new people and flirt and go to parties and stuff. Right before I left home, I started to and I will try to continue to. The dynamic of the people is different though. Were all international students looking for the same thing. I have learned what I like though. I dont like clubs. I hate clubs really. Well, not hate. I suspect I will be going to Oceana if they go on Friday (club) but I still prefer not going. I have been doing a lil drinking. I never really drank at home. Well I shouldnt say that because some new friends of mine got me to drinking right before I left. Maybe thats why I started drinking a lil more here. I love cider. What in the hell will I do without cider? Do we have cider at home? I hope.

Anyways. I dont know. I just have to be upsheveled again. But I really do miss my friends and family and my cat. I dont want to romanticize my time here. I mean, it is the way it is and I do love it but I also love my friends and family at home. I love that I can talk regular without worrying about grammar and shit and not correcting myself. I do thank everyone here though because I have become a better listener and a much slower talker. I appreciate that.

I am worried about duty. I hope to goodness that I do not have to pay duty on anything. I asked my study abroad advisor if she had any insight and all she did was direct me to the damn website. I obviously have Internet. Sheesh.

I emailed this girl on Craigslist about an apartment and she seems okay but I do not know if I want to live with a roommate. I just dont know. But I dont know if I want to live alone after living with so many people and just never being alone. I have not felt alone here. I will say the first week is it. After that, bam, never felt alone. Everyone is just here. Sigh.

Okay, I hate to be so down. I have two conflicting emotions. I have sadness and happiness going on.

Okay, okay. I know. I still have to do two posts. One on traveling Black and on studying abroad in general. Yes, I know. I have an exam. I am not even supposed to be on here right now but I am procrastinating. I seriously am tired of looking at books. But yea, anyways. lol

Home=Soon

I just wanted to share one of my favorite photos from Italy! :o)

Whew. Let me tell you. I have so much to do and so little time to do it.

I come home on Saturday. I am sad and happy about that. I love my life here but I miss my fam and friends at home. I am so much calmer here and I love my everyday schedule. I love shopping for food everyday and having cheap food available. Yes, I do think groceries are cheaper here. I love not having a McDonald's one every street. I live in a town where there is only ONE and I repeat ONE McDonald's. Seriously. I just will miss this. I know I keep saying the same things but I really think America sucks on the food front. Well I should say on the advertisement and fast food front. And prices as well. Yea...sucks.

I will NOT miss the school system here. I dont like the way the U.K or I should Wolverhampton does their classes and such. I just dont like it. At all.

I have three essays back to back this week. I have the cinema one on Tuesday, American Literature on Wednesday and on Thursday I have Sex in the 18c. I am so scared that I will not pass one of these classes. I just got back from Italy and before then I was in Paris. I have not studied. It was really hard trying to study while in Italy. Doesnt work. lol. I was in Florence and it was just magnificent. I will do a post on traveling alone when I get home because I need to. And then a final post about studying abroad in general. I dont think I have been really good with this blog though. It seems that it is not easy to blog, travel, study and mingle.

Well, I need to do some more work. I just ate lunch. Which was tasty. I had some white rice, chicken sauteed in white wine and Green beans with butter. And for desert I had a coke. lol. No really though, coke is sweet, why not use it as a dessert? Anyways, I need to get a move on it. I have the audacity to be procrastinating right now. Its ridiculous.

Just Got Back From Paris, France

Hellooo!

So I havent written in a while and its because I am traveling. But I do need to come and just write right now. I am feeling overwhelmed. I just feel like I have so much to do right now. I am going to Italy tomorrow and I still have so much homework to concentrate on. When I come back, I will be cramming and I do not cram very well. I am not a good cram student. I am just afraid that I will get very poor grades in my classes while I am here. And its because I am more focused on traveling and meeting new people than I am on studying.

Can you seriously blame me? I mean, if I fail, shame on me, but if I gets C's...im just gonna have to suck it up. The thing is that I am trying to get into graduate school and I cannot get itno graduate school with horrible grades and horrible recommendations and just horrible horrible. I am really afraid about this process. I need to start taking a GRE prep course. I need to take the GRE. I am taking 3 classes. It's just like, oh my gosh. I will not see anyone this summer. Seriously. I will have to really focus. But I feel like if I am overwhelmed with doing all of this I should probably reconsider graduate school because I mean, come on. I dont think this is anything.

Anyways. This is just going to be a random message. I am broke. Seriously. I have 200 dollars and my hostels cost 100 and I need to catch a train once I get to Italy. This means I have no food money and no spending money. I care less about the later. I am still going to go though because oh well. I have asked to borrow some money from my moms but if they dont let me, I will be okay. I will be bringing 3 apples, some fruity bar thingies, and some crackers. I went broke in Paris and for lunch yesterday, I had crackers and an apple. lol. This is crazy. But I didnt care. I didnt obsess about it. I didnt go into ED mode. I just said, okay, its all up to my higher power and keep moving. And youd be surprised what your body can work on.

So, if I run out of money, I will be okay. As long as I can make it home. But most importantly, I am STUDYING in Italy. I cannot look at this as if I am only visiting. The only reason I can go is because I have to make myself study. It would be ridiculous if I didnt. I will fail, no doubt. I have to watch this movie, I have to. AGHHH. I am like freaking out. Coming home is making me nervous. What if I dont get my cat in time? What if I dont find an apartment? I just have to chill at and do one thing at a time.

Okay, I am gone. Too much to do. Im not proofreading this.