Hm

I am trying to figure out if I am going to keep this blog. I don't know. I think I might get rid of it formally. I have a tumblr and I don't feel I can be as honest here since so many people in my personal life have access. I shall come to a decision.

Sigh

Dear people who think it is ANTIFEMINIST/HAES/FATACCEPTANCE,
I believe in HAES and I also believe in fat acceptance. No one has a right to tell someone what to do about their body or make moral judgements as a human being based on their size. And there may be plenty of women my size who think they are healthy and dont want to loose weight and I agree with whatever they say about THEIR bodies. But I need to find more out about my body and what it means to loose weight or try to. I definetely believe in not hating myself if I do not loose weight (I am trying to get to that place) but I also believe that its okay for me to say, I believe in HAES, I believe in FA but I also feel I want to try loose weight without participating in the diet culture. I am just going to have to make my own decisions about me.

Comparisons

I need tips on how to stop comparing myself to others. This relates to needing approval from people. I need to be better than every one else so I can get approval from everyone else. It is quite tiring. I recently received my grade back from a paper I finished. I got an A on it. But I dont feel like I got enough praise. I cant stop thinking about how my comments on my paper were not the same as other peoples. Am I less than? Do I not deserve to be in graduate school? Why am I not handling things properly? Do I talk too much? Its just all so overwhelming. I just need people to tell me I am okay and that is the issue. Am I okay even when people dont tell me? Am I loved when people dont tell me? Liked? Dress well? Eat proper? Walk okay? I know why I do it. I want to stop. I really desire a more peaceful state about who I am and my self worth.

Recovery

I find myself going on recovery blogs. Especially at night. Because I just want relief you know? Relief from many things. And I find myself looking at these blogs and judging myself and other people on what I dont have and what they dont have and what we are all supposed to have and it is difficult. So, recovery, to me, is more than just not participating in the destructive behavior but it is about the lack of obsession and the present of peace. I want it. I dont know if it will ever be mine.

Yadda Yah

I have been pmsing all week. Which is why I have been all sappy and sad and angry and just ridiculous. I just need to get over my bullcrap.

So, I am doing my work today. I want to complain about being at the library, but seriously. It is 550 on a late November afternoon, what else what I be doing? Yes, I could be with my best friend John or in my bed catching up on Dexter and cleaning my house, but whatever. In May, I will have a Master's degree and that is a lot to say from someone who people thought wouldnt graduate from high school. I never got those people...

Bad Week.

I feel like its me and my cats against the world right now. Which is sad and slightly pathetic.

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Concentration at Bay

I am unable to concentrate today. I just feel so on edge and at the same time, tired. I have way too much responsibility in my life. I take graduate classes full time, teach an undergrad class within working 20 hours for the office, and do 17 hours of field internship. It is just too much sometimes. I am running out of steam. And this is the last big push. I have 3 papers due. The hardest one is due in one week. One whole week. I haven't really started on it and what am I doing now? I am blogging about how I cant work instead of working. Ouch. It happens.

Priveleged Food Blogs/Rant

I go to food blogs because I try to find some example of normalcy a far as what people are eating. I want to know what healthy eating people are eating. But I have seriously come to the conclusion that not only are most of the food blogs that show what individuals eat all day are privileged (meaning, they have the funds to pay for the most expensive ass food and contraptions that make the food) but they also eat some nasty ass shit. Yes. I will abbreviate it as NAS. I dont want a hummus and grilled vegetable sandwich. What the fuck is that? Who can afford that? I can't. They can. So I have to stop comparing what I am able to eat to what these food(ie) blogs are displaying.

I am looking for a blog that displays what people are eating, the recipe and an opinion of taste on REGULAR food. I am not saying that the food I am seeing is not normal or not right or whatever. I also do not judge these people. Eat what you like. But look, I don't eat sourdough bread and I dont want your fucking Brie! What are MY favorite foods? Well, I am glad you asked.

Oatmeal
Pizza
Thin cheeseburgers/Patty Melts
Broccoli
Green Beans
Peanut Butter
Ice Cream
Potatoes
Goat Cheese (which is as foodie as I get)

And some more. I mean, why do I have to eat Cod with Black Barley, Cauliflower Puree and Mushrooms in a Pinot Reduction...I dont fucking want it. I dont. And I am going to stop trying to act like I do. That is the first step in my recovery. I admit that I am not a foodie. I do not like weird foods. And it is okay.

Poetry

Hey Brown Girl

Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Please save yourself
in something not edible
Something not bought
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Please love yourself
Like you are your first love
Like you are your last
Looking not at all the ill, the hateful
Who have participated in the big sad brown eyes
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Look at yourself like your own pearls
Like your own cherished belongings
Love yourself
Like yourself
Largely
As big as your heart
As big as your soul
As big as your personality
Hey brown, big, big hearted girl
Protect your heart
Water it
Show it sunshine
Nurture it
Don't impede on its growth

-FeministaBroad

Scaling Back on Shopping

I am trying my hardest not to shop. It is very difficult. Lord knows I get a good portion of my self-confidence from how fabulous I look. But that has to change. If you are having issues with shopping, here are some tips from The Great American Apparel Diet.

-Shop slower- before you take the plunge to buy that dress that looks oh-so fabulous on you, take a second in the mirror and ask, “Do I really need this? Where can I wear this to?”

-If your closet is reverting back to its overflowing chaos, you might not be in love with all the purchases you’ve made. Make the distinction if it is love you feel with that piece of clothing in the dressing room or fleeting emotions of lust.

-If said item could be a love potential, leave it and walk away. Get a change of scenery, take a breather from the fluorescent lights in the stores. If you are still thinking about it an hour later, it will be worth the trip back to the store to buy it.

-Know your shopping needs -take inventory of your closet often. Know what it seriously getting worn through and if you can salvage it or if it is indeed time to go out and buy a replacement.

-Take your time picking out your outfit for the day, even if you need to do it the night before. Appreciate how great that blazer hugs those fabulous curves or how the color of your top brings out your eyes. What you’ve got in your closet is probably all the right stuff.

-Limit your shopping intake to once a month. No more needless meandering around the mall and classifying it as “exercise”. Now we are shopping with a purpose in mind.

-If it feels like it could be one of those high-threat-of-unnecessary-spending-days, leave the credit card at home. Pay for things in cash- it’s easier to monitor your spending through the day on only things you really need.

-If you slip to a crazy extent and splurge on the jeans, coat, cashmere sweaters and jacket you just “had to have” that one day (knowing full well you didn’t need it), it’s okay. Just hop back on that horse. If you feel the need, you can even do a mini one month diet to get back on track.

-Be wary of “Sale” signs/stickers/tickets/events/tags/coupons. Even with a great bargain attached to it, is it as fabulous as you are and does it do your wardrobe justice? Remember, 30% off should never be a product’s best feature.

-Quality over quantity! We want clothes that will last for years to come. Things that are too trendy or poorly made are not on our “need” list.

-After you wash your clothes, hang them up to dry, it will make them last longer. If you take care of your clothes, they will take care of you.

-Look for other ways of spending your hard earned free time. Spending time with friends or family, volunteering or taking a class to learn a new trade can be much more rewarding and fulfilling than shopping.

Mental Health

Some time back I was reading a book titled, "Unholy Ghost." I may have mentioned it on this blog before. It is about writer's experience with depression. I remember reading a short story about this woman who has experienced depression her entire life. She was talking about how depression robbed you of who you would have been had you not been depressed. It transforms you. I think this is true. It sounds hopeless and sad but there is a lot to say about personality and mental illness. Mental illness (and trauma I might add) changes the way you function, how you react to things. I think that you can consider mental illness as a trauma itself. Mental illness is something no one asks for. It changes the course of your life.

How? Well, when an individual is depressed, their brain is more likely to have negative thought responses. This is one of the reasons why cognitive behavioral therapy annoys me. Yes, we can change a lot by how we think but if what we initially think is greatly affected by the neurotransmitters in our brain, then clearly it is more complicated than thought/behavior reaction explanations. It may be able to be molded in a certain way but I do not believe it can possibly be stopped.

Those reactions in your brain shape how you see the world, how you see yourself, thus impacting how you function. That includes the way you speak, laugh, learn, walk, etc. Your personality is one that you did not originate. It has been originated by mental illness, by depression. It is one of the most disheartening things about the mind. I think what is so disheartening is that you are never the same. Even if an individual knows exactly who they were pre-depression, they will never be the same. They will forever be impacted by the event.

Acceptance is one of the hardest things in the world. 12 Step Programs tell you to do it, there are many therapies that focus on it. But it is hard. Very hard. Very very very hard. To accept that things are the way things are is to accept that they are never going to change. That means that in a way, you have given up a fight because essentially, that is what hanging on to disappointment and anger is. It is deciding you will never stop being angry, frustrated, appalled, etc at something and that something can be reversed or made-up for. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Little pieces of you that die or get enmeshed with bigger non-pieces of you are never revived or separated. They create new pieces of you. New pieces are born of you. And I suppose you have to accept that you lost and you have gained.

It is unfortunate.

London, England

I plan on taking a trip to London during the Winter Break. I need a break. And I am so tired of spending my New Year's sucky in Ohio. I want to do something fun. I will be able to meet up with my friends! This really excites me. Also, I want to look for a job for when I graduate. Is one semester too soon to look? I don't know if it will be possible for me to look for a job in January but only to start in May. I don't know how Britain's hiring usually works. I will try to go through 2 companies. I have a passport, I would just need to work on getting a working Visa. I can not believe I was serious about moving to another country for a couple of years. I just don't understand why I wouldn't. The only things that bother me are things like getting used to London and not wanting to come home or not being an American anymore. I know these things sound stupid, but they worry me. Also, I hate British food. I love England, hate their food. But their are so many things that I love about England.

I don't know. What a hard decision to make. I think if I do not move to England, I will move to New York. I need to get out of Ohio and spread my lil wings.

Shoes For the Day

DSW. Me Too Sandals

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Shoe Shine!!! Shoe Shine!!!

I have decided to take better care of my shoes. I bought a shoe shine kit and im at it. It is not always east to buy eco friendly items but what you can do is take better care of your shoes and such and buy less! Just a tip.

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Give Me A Break

I think that I need a break. I know I have one coming but it might now be coming fast enough. I will have one week before school starts. I have no plans, no appointments, and no dates made for that week. I literally plan on doing what I want and when I want to for that entire week. I hope to goodness that does not involve me driving myself crazy. I can drive myself crazy in all kinds of ways. I can shop too much, eat too much, stress or obsess too much, the list is pretty long. But I am refusing to do all of those things.

Speaking of shopping too much. I have been doing so. I just bought this dress:

I tell you that I am in love. It ties in the back. I think that I will wear it for the first day of classes. This dress is absolutely fabulous to me and I plan on looking absolutely fabulous in it.

I also bought some black boots and a pair of brown shoes from DSW yesterday. I am excited to wear those this fall.

Anyway. I have to go. I need to complete this chapter of work.

Today

Today I am having a good day. I am getting things done and I seem to be okay. I have been thinking about not having a car a lot but I have been okay.

I always share when I feel shitty. I wanted to share being good! :o)

life owes you nothing

ive been thinking about this idea that if i work hard enough i am owed recovery. i was thinking about how much bullshit that is. i am not owed recovery or peace or emotional stability. life owes me nothing. maybe i should stop trying so hard to be this person in my mind. maybe i am not her and will never be. maybe i will be unhappy for the rest of my life. these are all possibilities. actually it is more likely and statistically supported that i spend the rest of my life unhappy with mental illness and homeless. soooo. maybe i need to stop working against all these currents to ne something i am not. the problem is that giving up takes work too. everything takes work. everything but nonexisting. i wanted to finish reading tonight. women food and god. but for what? so i can just keep trying something else? whatever. this post is not a hopeful one. it is one filled with mispellings and grammatical errors becauase i am blogging from my phone. i owe you nothing. not even good grammar and spelling.

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nails nails nails

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lunch

subway

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Yup

I was just thinking about how I put cucumbers and tomatoes on my sandwich from subway. What I was thinking was that it was tasty. And I was thinking about how I have a spinach and almond salad for lunch and how redundant was that because I put spinach on my salad. Then I had to laugh at myself because the amount of corn I consume is ridiculous. And I do not know how many times I have had some crappy ass hashbrown for breakfast with a McDonalds sandwhich, then fries and a sandwich for lunch and then like fries for dinner or mashed potatoes or whatever. God forbid I eat spinach twice a day.

I was also thinking about how I would have to do this forever. It sucks but that is still my mental state. When I think of not binging and not consuming more than I need to and eating less sugar and adding veggies to every meal I get sad. Like I have some death warrant, when really the death warrant is the way I am eating now. It doesn't matter if I never loss weight, I need to eat differently for my health. That is what is hard to deal with. I know that I will have to actually have to separate weight and health. Will I lose weight? Yes. And should I? Yes. But really, if something happened where I never lost this weight and I had to eat differently so not to get diabetes and high blood pressure and stuff, I think fuck it. That is what is sad. That's why I know I need to love myself enough to do better for me no matter the results of my body size. Its a tricky situation.