Hm

I am trying to figure out if I am going to keep this blog. I don't know. I think I might get rid of it formally. I have a tumblr and I don't feel I can be as honest here since so many people in my personal life have access. I shall come to a decision.

Sigh

Dear people who think it is ANTIFEMINIST/HAES/FATACCEPTANCE,
I believe in HAES and I also believe in fat acceptance. No one has a right to tell someone what to do about their body or make moral judgements as a human being based on their size. And there may be plenty of women my size who think they are healthy and dont want to loose weight and I agree with whatever they say about THEIR bodies. But I need to find more out about my body and what it means to loose weight or try to. I definetely believe in not hating myself if I do not loose weight (I am trying to get to that place) but I also believe that its okay for me to say, I believe in HAES, I believe in FA but I also feel I want to try loose weight without participating in the diet culture. I am just going to have to make my own decisions about me.

Comparisons

I need tips on how to stop comparing myself to others. This relates to needing approval from people. I need to be better than every one else so I can get approval from everyone else. It is quite tiring. I recently received my grade back from a paper I finished. I got an A on it. But I dont feel like I got enough praise. I cant stop thinking about how my comments on my paper were not the same as other peoples. Am I less than? Do I not deserve to be in graduate school? Why am I not handling things properly? Do I talk too much? Its just all so overwhelming. I just need people to tell me I am okay and that is the issue. Am I okay even when people dont tell me? Am I loved when people dont tell me? Liked? Dress well? Eat proper? Walk okay? I know why I do it. I want to stop. I really desire a more peaceful state about who I am and my self worth.

Recovery

I find myself going on recovery blogs. Especially at night. Because I just want relief you know? Relief from many things. And I find myself looking at these blogs and judging myself and other people on what I dont have and what they dont have and what we are all supposed to have and it is difficult. So, recovery, to me, is more than just not participating in the destructive behavior but it is about the lack of obsession and the present of peace. I want it. I dont know if it will ever be mine.

Yadda Yah

I have been pmsing all week. Which is why I have been all sappy and sad and angry and just ridiculous. I just need to get over my bullcrap.

So, I am doing my work today. I want to complain about being at the library, but seriously. It is 550 on a late November afternoon, what else what I be doing? Yes, I could be with my best friend John or in my bed catching up on Dexter and cleaning my house, but whatever. In May, I will have a Master's degree and that is a lot to say from someone who people thought wouldnt graduate from high school. I never got those people...

Bad Week.

I feel like its me and my cats against the world right now. Which is sad and slightly pathetic.

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Concentration at Bay

I am unable to concentrate today. I just feel so on edge and at the same time, tired. I have way too much responsibility in my life. I take graduate classes full time, teach an undergrad class within working 20 hours for the office, and do 17 hours of field internship. It is just too much sometimes. I am running out of steam. And this is the last big push. I have 3 papers due. The hardest one is due in one week. One whole week. I haven't really started on it and what am I doing now? I am blogging about how I cant work instead of working. Ouch. It happens.